Leave (quote)

Stu · 02-11-2007, 06:09 PM

i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach.

You sat, stark, no remorse
And I felt a tinge of panic scatter
Through this weathered frame
This mangled brain
And still you sat, nothing, stark.

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
And still you sat, stark

Numbing hate, ice cold
Brazen fear, eclipsed by the
Tenures of scornful eye
In murky air
You sit, stark, reviled.

**sleepy jack** · 02-11-2007, 06:12 PM

Its pretty, but kind of trite, it doesn't have much substance.

Stu · 02-11-2007, 06:16 PM

as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning?

**sleepy jack** · 02-11-2007, 06:18 PM

Meaning, I think you need to add another verse or something that gets more indepth on it.

Stu · 02-11-2007, 06:19 PM

lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-11-2007, 09:43 PM

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
^ The only part I can truly say I enjoyed reading. The rest was boring, trite, and needs more meaning, as Ethan said. Your word choice, aside from the part I pasted, wasn't that great either, particularly verse one. Less commas.

Strummer521 · 02-11-2007, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

A cacophony of silence

Only Wilde can pull off a blatant paradox. It stands out, and my mind goes "that can't happen" then realizes it's intentional, but is still annoyed.

Stu · 02-12-2007, 06:50 AM

^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-12-2007, 01:31 PM

I thought the cacophony of silence line was the best here.

Crowe · 02-12-2007, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.

Strummer actually said something similarly generalizing in my song thread. ("If you don't want to be a bit subtle, it might make sense to write prose").

What's the deal Strumstrum? You seem to think only in blacks and whites.

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02-11-2007, 06:09 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	Leave i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach. You sat, stark, no remorse And I felt a tinge of panic scatter Through this weathered frame This mangled brain And still you sat, nothing, stark. A flurry of tears, dimming lights A cacophony of silence Baited breaths, snatched from the Shores of a rapid flow And still you sat, stark Numbing hate, ice cold Brazen fear, eclipsed by the Tenures of scornful eye In murky air You sit, stark, reviled. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-11-2007, 06:12 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,242	Its pretty, but kind of trite, it doesn't have much substance. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

02-11-2007, 06:16 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning? __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-11-2007, 06:18 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,242	Meaning, I think you need to add another verse or something that gets more indepth on it. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

02-11-2007, 06:19 PM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-11-2007, 09:43 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	A flurry of tears, dimming lights A cacophony of silence Baited breaths, snatched from the Shores of a rapid flow ^ The only part I can truly say I enjoyed reading. The rest was boring, trite, and needs more meaning, as Ethan said. Your word choice, aside from the part I pasted, wasn't that great either, particularly verse one. Less commas. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

02-12-2007, 06:50 AM
Stu Be like a squirrel Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: London, England Posts: 3,134	^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance. __________________ This is me. http://www.myspace.com/limbodwelling Good evening i unzipped my skin thankfully unscrewed my head exactly as i always do when i prepare myself for bed and while i slept this co-co came as naked as could be he put on the skin and screwed on the head that once belonged to me

02-12-2007, 01:31 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	I thought the cacophony of silence line was the best here. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!