There's Nothing Quite So Pure As The Written Word (lyrics, dance)

sleepy jack · 02-15-2007, 01:13 PM

meh.

There's Nothing Quite So Pure As The Written Word

So i'll let my pen begin to carve into a page softly,
And it will dance and scrawl, to create such pretty lines,
This ink, I feel a longing for it to write away everything,
But i'm just repeating the same steps i've taken all along,
I'm just failing to find with whom I belong.

- E. Smith 02/15/07

Stu · 02-15-2007, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

So i'll let my pen being to carve into a page softly,
And it will twirl and dance to create such pretty lines,

i have a problem with these two lines. the first line doesnt make sense, im not sure if it was a typing error but either way i think the wording needs adjustment.

the second line just sounds too whimsical, i dont feel asif it suites the rest of the poem. Just sounds like a 10 year old girl wrote it.

the rest of it i really like, it has a meaning that i personally can identify with and if you just change the two opening lines it'll be a very good piece.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-15-2007, 04:46 PM

Those were, the only two good lines, are you serious? Jeez homie. You did misspell "begin" though, good job, genius.

ZeppelinAir · 02-15-2007, 05:44 PM

its good, but when you used "pretty lines" its just didnt seem right, try using something else besides "pretty"

skindredluver · 02-15-2007, 05:58 PM

That should be better if it was longer

Stu · 02-15-2007, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Those were the only two good lines, are you serious? Jeez homie. You did misspell "begin" though, good job, genius.

Im very serious.

A_Perfect_Sonnet · 02-15-2007, 08:12 PM

El oh el @ Ethan for trying to pretend he is Elliot Smith.

First name abbreviations ftw.

So the lyric is a response to other lyrics, but the correlation still feels like a lack of departure into your own thought. It's not bad, but the similarity works against you. In addition, you should try to stray away from this total focus on relationships, or at least mask it with some imagery. It takes a lot away from your meanings to see the same idea presented over and over again.

Crowe · 02-15-2007, 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet

El oh el @ Ethan for trying to pretend he is Elliot Smith.

First name abbreviations ftw.

So the lyric is a response to other lyrics, but the correlation still feels like a lack of departure into your own thought. It's not bad, but the similarity works against you. In addition, you should try to stray away from this total focus on relationships, or at least mask it with some imagery. It takes a lot away from your meanings to see the same idea presented over and over again.

Uh huh.

sleepy jack · 02-15-2007, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

i have a problem with these two lines. the first line doesnt make sense, im not sure if it was a typing error but either way i think the wording needs adjustment.

the second line just sounds too whimsical, i dont feel asif it suites the rest of the poem. Just sounds like a 10 year old girl wrote it.

the rest of it i really like, it has a meaning that i personally can identify with and if you just change the two opening lines it'll be a very good piece.

I'm changing twirl, the rest I am keeping as I will explain in a second.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Those were, the only two good lines, are you serious? Jeez homie. You did misspell "begin" though, good job, genius.

Yes, and in real conversation if you paused that much i'd think you had a speech impediment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeppelinAir

its good, but when you used "pretty lines" its just didnt seem right, try using something else besides "pretty"

No, pretty was what my ex use to say all my poems were, I don't know I just like it that way. Though as ben said I need to break away from that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skindredluver

That should be better if it was longer

I don't feel like over-elaborating on a message I can accomplish in a few lines.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A_Perfect_Sonnet

El oh el @ Ethan for trying to pretend he is Elliot Smith.

First name abbreviations ftw.

Its basically t3h only reason I don't hate my last name.

Alo · 02-16-2007, 06:51 AM

beautiful, I like the changes.

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02-15-2007, 01:13 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	There's Nothing Quite So Pure As The Written Word meh. There's Nothing Quite So Pure As The Written Word So i'll let my pen begin to carve into a page softly, And it will dance and scrawl, to create such pretty lines, This ink, I feel a longing for it to write away everything, But i'm just repeating the same steps i've taken all along, I'm just failing to find with whom I belong. - E. Smith 02/15/07 __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

02-15-2007, 05:44 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	its good, but when you used "pretty lines" its just didnt seem right, try using something else besides "pretty" __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

02-15-2007, 05:58 PM
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 584	That should be better if it was longer __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-15-2007, 08:12 PM
A_Perfect_Sonnet Dinosaurus Rex!!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Winchester, VA Posts: 892	El oh el @ Ethan for trying to pretend he is Elliot Smith. First name abbreviations ftw. So the lyric is a response to other lyrics, but the correlation still feels like a lack of departure into your own thought. It's not bad, but the similarity works against you. In addition, you should try to stray away from this total focus on relationships, or at least mask it with some imagery. It takes a lot away from your meanings to see the same idea presented over and over again.

02-16-2007, 06:51 AM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 718	beautiful, I like the changes. __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied