The Room (rap, single, bling, member, quote)

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 02-27-2007, 07:57 PM

I crawl back to my room,
the only friend I have,
the walls surround me,
with understanding eyes,

I feel replenished in your presence,
the only real part of my day,
spend the rest of the day,
making things out of sticks,
that are only bound to break,

why don't other people have your eyes,
why don't other walls have your eyes,
it's just not the same without you,
I try to remember what it was like in your presence,
I'm thinking too much,

it's so dark, I can't find my way,
stumbling and clutching for something,
to hold me up,
I crawl back into my room,
just happy to still be alive

**sleepy jack** · 02-27-2007, 10:13 PM

Quote:

I crawl back to my room,
the only friend I have,
the walls surround me,
with understanding eyes,

Cheesy and completely over the top, the only friend I have? cmon.

Quote:

I feel replenished in your presence,
the only real part of my day,
spend the rest of the day,
making things out of sticks,
that are only bound to break,

You rhymed day with day, congrats.

Quote:

why don't other people have your eyes,
why don't other walls have your eyes,
it's just not the same without you,
I try to remember what it was like in your presence,
I'm thinking too much,

You rhymed eye with eye, congrats.

Quote:

it's so dark, I can't find my way,
stumbling and clutching for something,
to hold me up,
I crawl back into my room,
just happy to still be alive

Once again, way cheesy.

The whole idea is weak and just comes off as a teenage whining about how cruel the world is. You can be honest about something like that without being cliche. There is no flow or rhyme scheme to this entire thing, its basically a collection of fragmented sentences. I don't like it.

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 02-28-2007, 05:29 PM

well, since this isn't the rap thread, I didn't feel like I had to rhyme any of it, I guess you might be disappointed reading it after you put down your Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein books.

either/or · 02-28-2007, 10:45 PM

i didnt think it was that bad and that the repetiton was okay, but thats cause i use a lot of repeatition i spose.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-28-2007, 11:35 PM

well, since this isn't the rap thread, I didn't feel like I had to rhyme any of it, I guess you might be disappointed reading it after you put down your Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein books. < Idiot. When you end two lines with the same word, it sounds lame, unless you're repeating the same line, but, even then it sounds weak. Also, you offer nothing but cliches here. After having read this, Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein are looking pretty good right now.

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 03-01-2007, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

well, since this isn't the rap thread, I didn't feel like I had to rhyme any of it, I guess you might be disappointed reading it after you put down your Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein books. < Idiot. When you end two lines with the same word, it sounds lame, unless you're repeating the same line, but, even then it sounds weak. Also, you offer nothing but cliches here. After having read this, Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein are looking pretty good right now.

I have yet to read a single constructive post by you, and you basically said the exact same thing as Crowquill.

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02-27-2007, 07:57 PM
~~TheUsedToolguy~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Joplin, MO Posts: 482	The Room I crawl back to my room, the only friend I have, the walls surround me, with understanding eyes, I feel replenished in your presence, the only real part of my day, spend the rest of the day, making things out of sticks, that are only bound to break, why don't other people have your eyes, why don't other walls have your eyes, it's just not the same without you, I try to remember what it was like in your presence, I'm thinking too much, it's so dark, I can't find my way, stumbling and clutching for something, to hold me up, I crawl back into my room, just happy to still be alive

02-28-2007, 05:29 PM
~~TheUsedToolguy~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Joplin, MO Posts: 482	well, since this isn't the rap thread, I didn't feel like I had to rhyme any of it, I guess you might be disappointed reading it after you put down your Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein books.

02-28-2007, 10:45 PM
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 379	i didnt think it was that bad and that the repetiton was okay, but thats cause i use a lot of repeatition i spose. __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

02-28-2007, 11:35 PM
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes Bad motherfücker Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: In The Realms of Poetry Posts: 520	well, since this isn't the rap thread, I didn't feel like I had to rhyme any of it, I guess you might be disappointed reading it after you put down your Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein books. < Idiot. When you end two lines with the same word, it sounds lame, unless you're repeating the same line, but, even then it sounds weak. Also, you offer nothing but cliches here. After having read this, Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein are looking pretty good right now. __________________ Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!