Lost... (rock, effect, show, Hang)

ZeppelinAir · 03-04-2007, 03:15 AM

a three part poem i wrote, it ties in togather well i think, but i want others opinions on it....please

Lost….

Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground,
In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race,
Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther,
Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,
It rips and tears me limb by limb,
With every slit of my throat comes another gush of liquid life,
Blood shot eyes of mine pried from there socket,
Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground,
What did I do to deserve this,
Why these sins cause so much effect…..

Virtuous life without sin lead me here,
Golden gates guard the gold roads that everyone desire,
Greeted by the friends lost many a moon ago,
The tears in my eyes are the only way to show how I feel,
All my wishes have come true but something is still missing,
The life of past still grips me to the world in which I belong,
But I shall break free from the chains that bind me down
Break free from the ghosts who haunt me so
To the people I cant let go,
Maybe I wont go…..

Given the gift of life from a person who is dear,
I cherish what I am given for all eternity,
Hoping to make it to the afterlife that keeps me going,
Temptation drives me though and takes my will,
Bringing me closer to the hell I create in my nightmares,
The path that I follow is long and winding,
With many bumps and holes along the way,
So all I can do is live my life day by day.

sleepy jack · 03-04-2007, 03:23 AM

The last two verses are excellent, but I think the first one is too stabby blood blood in parts if you understand what I mean.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 03-04-2007, 04:18 AM

Black dot.

ZeppelinAir · 03-04-2007, 05:38 PM

yeah i know what you mean

ZeppelinAir · 03-04-2007, 06:06 PM

i redid the first paragraph, is it a little less "graphic"

Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground,
In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race,
Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther,
Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,
It rips and tears me limb by limb,
With every slit of my throat I lose more and more life,
Blood shot eyes of mine are taken from me,
Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground,
What did I do to deserve this,
Why these sins cause so much effect…..

sleepy jack · 03-04-2007, 06:49 PM

I still don't like the slit my throat part, other then that its better.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 03-04-2007, 07:01 PM

I like the bloodshot eyes line. Keep the slit throat line, but take out the limb by limb and the hell thing needs changing.

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 03-04-2007, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,

That's my fav. line. It's pretty good, not real long, but good.

ZeppelinAir · 03-05-2007, 01:22 AM

ok i am going to try to keep everything else but tone it down a bit and change a little of the wording

ZeppelinAir · 03-06-2007, 12:00 AM

ok heres the redone work, i think this what im going to stick with

Lost….

Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground,
In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race,
Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther,
Into the depths of a hell non existent to others,
My limbs taken from me by the beast,
With every wound I gain I lose more and more liquid life,
Blood shot eyes of mine are taken away from me,
Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground,
What did I do to deserve this,
Why these sins cause so much effect…..

Virtuous life without sin lead me here,
Golden gates guard the gold roads that everyone desire,
Greeted by the friends lost many a moon ago,
The tears in my eyes are the only way to show how I feel,
All my wishes have come true but something is still missing,
The life of past still grips me to the world in which I belong,
But I shall break free from the chains that bind me down
Break free from the ghosts who haunt me so
To the people I cant let go,
Maybe I wont go…..

Given the gift of life from a person who is dear,
I cherish what I am given for all eternity,
Hoping to make it to the afterlife that keeps me going,
Temptation drives me though and takes my will,
Bringing me closer to the hell I create in my nightmares,
The path that I follow is long and winding,
With many bumps and holes along the way,
So all I can do is live my life day by day.

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03-04-2007, 03:15 AM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	Lost... a three part poem i wrote, it ties in togather well i think, but i want others opinions on it....please Lost…. Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground, In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race, Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther, Into the depths of a hell non existent to others, It rips and tears me limb by limb, With every slit of my throat comes another gush of liquid life, Blood shot eyes of mine pried from there socket, Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground, What did I do to deserve this, Why these sins cause so much effect….. Virtuous life without sin lead me here, Golden gates guard the gold roads that everyone desire, Greeted by the friends lost many a moon ago, The tears in my eyes are the only way to show how I feel, All my wishes have come true but something is still missing, The life of past still grips me to the world in which I belong, But I shall break free from the chains that bind me down Break free from the ghosts who haunt me so To the people I cant let go, Maybe I wont go….. Given the gift of life from a person who is dear, I cherish what I am given for all eternity, Hoping to make it to the afterlife that keeps me going, Temptation drives me though and takes my will, Bringing me closer to the hell I create in my nightmares, The path that I follow is long and winding, With many bumps and holes along the way, So all I can do is live my life day by day. __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

03-04-2007, 03:23 AM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,763	The last two verses are excellent, but I think the first one is too stabby blood blood in parts if you understand what I mean. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

03-04-2007, 05:38 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	yeah i know what you mean __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

03-04-2007, 06:06 PM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	i redid the first paragraph, is it a little less "graphic" Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground, In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race, Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther, Into the depths of a hell non existent to others, It rips and tears me limb by limb, With every slit of my throat I lose more and more life, Blood shot eyes of mine are taken from me, Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground, What did I do to deserve this, Why these sins cause so much effect….. __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

03-04-2007, 06:49 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,763	I still don't like the slit my throat part, other then that its better. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

03-05-2007, 01:22 AM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	ok i am going to try to keep everything else but tone it down a bit and change a little of the wording __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things

03-06-2007, 12:00 AM
ZeppelinAir hahahHAHAHahaha.......ha Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 545	ok heres the redone work, i think this what im going to stick with Lost…. Fragmented pieces of me fall to the ground, In the cracks between the rocks my mind will race, Broken spirit will drag me down farther and farther, Into the depths of a hell non existent to others, My limbs taken from me by the beast, With every wound I gain I lose more and more liquid life, Blood shot eyes of mine are taken away from me, Torched skin falls in flakes and dusts the ground, What did I do to deserve this, Why these sins cause so much effect….. Virtuous life without sin lead me here, Golden gates guard the gold roads that everyone desire, Greeted by the friends lost many a moon ago, The tears in my eyes are the only way to show how I feel, All my wishes have come true but something is still missing, The life of past still grips me to the world in which I belong, But I shall break free from the chains that bind me down Break free from the ghosts who haunt me so To the people I cant let go, Maybe I wont go….. Given the gift of life from a person who is dear, I cherish what I am given for all eternity, Hoping to make it to the afterlife that keeps me going, Temptation drives me though and takes my will, Bringing me closer to the hell I create in my nightmares, The path that I follow is long and winding, With many bumps and holes along the way, So all I can do is live my life day by day. __________________ Little Things "Sittin on a Toilet in a house i dont know, looking all around where the toilet paper go. feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain, got to wipe my ass again with a plastic shower curtain" Rodney Carrington-Little Things