IHeartMusic

This is sorta long, but peep it and tell me what you think...I've gotten some good reactions to this while performing it. Wrote it to the beat of Nas' "Drunk By Myself"

Verse 1:
**** it
**** a girl, **** a class, **** relationships
motha**** my lack of revenue, I ain't payin ****/
this ain't jus ur mild-mannered William,
I'm wild and I'm killin,
it's vile, and it's building/
what's "it"? my temper, my pain and my circumstances
like the world knows EVERY last nerve, and it's workin at em
im killin everything, everybody in my path
whether its 1, or 100, or a thousand, feel my wrath/
and that aint on no gangsta ****,
thats on some, life’s not good right now
and im contemplatin takin it/
cuz I feel like I’m wasting it—
no matter how I always do right,
**** happens so I can’t ever gain from it/
…pops says don’t get caught up in substance abuse
Cuz once that I use, it one time I’m strung by its cruelty
But **** it I’m through, cuz being sober hasn’t worked for me
so I’m finally bout to see what these drugs really do/
left hand holdin the bottle, right clutchin my jewels
peeps see me as a disgusting fool,
“he used to be so nice,” well u ain’t live **** in my shoes
So I don’t give a flying ****, jus get me my brew/
Most people do it for fun – I use it as release
Cuz though my chances just increase of ****in good things up
The bad outweighs it and my skin is too weak
And so I drink…gulp after gulp, throwin up in the sink

Hook:
I’m drunk by myself, got my back to the wall
Got a bunch of ideas, and I’ma act on em all
I don’t care what it does to others, do to myself,
Or how it ****s my mental and physical health
A day long of sickness is worth
Three hours of forgettin everything that’s going on on in this earth/
Whatever it’s worth, hpno or liquor, corona or miller
Cuz ur born, and u die—and the rest of it is filler

Verse 2:
I’m omnipresent—country or city, bummy or prissy,
But most seen at the local corner store, sitting
On the shelf, jus waitin for somebody to drop
Their own hard-earned dollars jus so I can be copped/
I got different names— Jack Daniels, Jim Beam,
even call me Crown Royal, I’m the beverage of kings
Some take me as I am, some put me in containers or cases
Either way, my purpose is basic/
I taste sickening, but people still consuming me constantly
They thinking I might help em with some problems that’s bothering/
And other cats drink me like I’m casual coke,
Or H20, beverages that add to your growth/
But I make your breath stink, and kill ya
I eat livers… not from a cow kid, but those of niggas/
Despite commercials and education, people rely
On my powers to solve problems, so I punish their lives/
I put a gun to ya brain, move him aside, and stand in his place
Control souls like video games that you play
And it’s not in your best interests, I’m making you act
In ways different than common sense allows you to act/
I’ll make you, slap your woman, curse at your mother,
I’ll make you, kill your best friend, take dough from your brother/
I’ll have you, backstabbing, turn your back on others
Have a big heart at first, now it’s black and covered/
Wit greed, for things you don’t normally want
And bad temper, when you’re usually cordial wit love/
I eat ya wallet, ya body, ya mind, ya time,
To the point, you can’t accept love other than mine/
You must admit, in between, we had some good times
I gave you all that confidence to mack on them dimes
And you would give me to them, they feelin me too
**** up their brain, persuading them to give you the cooch/
When ya moms died, and friends was too busy to console you
I was there, never left, I would hug you, and hold you
Vomit for hours every morning, but that’s a sacrifice
You’re willing to make, I clear your mind and help you sleep at night/
Peeps try to break us up, but you yell at em then
They jealous cuz we’re closer than your regular friends/
You’ll do anything for me—steal, rob, kill
Just to find the extra dough to afford me/
They got laws, and harsh consequences, try to contain me
But they can’t, after one taste, you’ll never betray me
You like how I make you feel…they say 21 and up,
But even small children find a way to obtain me/
Ads tell you to use me responsibly but
There’s no responsible use besides ****in you up
You’re so stupid, I’ll let you consume me and sip
Until you die, then I find somebody else I’ma hit

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

This is terrible.

__________________
Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

IHeartMusic

Eh, not a fan of rap music, are you? You're literally the first person I've heard who doesn't like it...the first verse is speaking from the p.o.v. of a drunk person, and the second is speaking from the p.o.v. of an actual bottle of whiskey. The excessive cursing is to emulate a drunk person, if that's what made you dislike it.

But hey, everyone has their opinion.

TheUsedToolguy

Yeah, it ruled. Alcohol sucks, it tastes terrible, and makes you feel awful + I'm a huge Nas fan, so I'll have to chec k that song out. I guess alcohol in our society has to be the consummate example of peer pressure, because the fact that it tastes so awful and yet so many people do it.So yeah, pretty much the whole song was tight, because it gave a lot of specific examples of the effects of alcohol, and also was pretty relentless in its honest attack on people's ignorance. Two thumbs up, or yeah, like, two bottles up, dude, huh huh

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

It's still bad. And do you mean you used the exact instrumental from Nas' song? Then you should probably get your own beat.

__________________
Say what again motherfucker, I double dare you, say what one mo' goddamned time!

sleepy jack

I can make anybody pretty
I can make you believe any lie
I can make you pick a fight
with somebody twice
your size

Well I've been known to cause a few breakups
and I've been known to cause a few births
I can make you new friends
Or get you fired from work

And since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynchburg, Bordeaux, France
Been makin the bars
With lots of big money
and helpin white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
and college now that was a ball
you had some of the best times
you'll never remember with me
Alcohol, Alcohol

I got blamed at your wedding reception
for your best man's embarrassing speech
and also for those naked pictures of you at the beach
I've influenced kings and world leaders
I helped Hemingway write like he did
and I'll bet you a drink or two that I can make you
put that lampshade on your head

And since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynchburg, Bordeaux, France
Been makin a fool out of folks
just like you
and helpin white people dance
I am medicine and I am poison
I can help you up or make you fall
you had some of the best times
you'll never remember with me
Alcohol

And since the day I left Milwaukee
Lynchburg, Bordeaux, France
Been makin the bars
With lots of big money
and helpin white people dance
I got you in trouble in high school
and college now that was a ball
you had some of the best times
you'll never remember with me
Alcohol, Alcohol

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

IHeartMusic

I used the exact instrumental, but it's not like I'm recording this for an album I'm recording; it's just something I wrote for the hell of it. I've been looking for other beats to match it, but haven't come across anything yet.

What do you think is so bad about it though? I'm always open to constructive criticism, but you haven't offered anything aside from the fact that you don't like it.

IHeartMusic

I like! In the same vein of mine...a lil simpler, but sometimes, simpler is better. I think both of ours would work for different listeners. Good job though

sleepy jack

Its a Brad Paisley song....



Anyway, I understand in rap its normal to say wit instead of with or ya instead of your but when typing it out on the forum just say with and your it makes it look much more intelligent.

I don't care for this, for one the last verse seems like a Brad Paisley knock off and it seems like you've never really had experience with alcoholism its more like you saw a TV show or something and wrote about it. I think taking a much less angsty/angry stance would be much more powerful or maybe a look at a specific situation and then telling about that situation. My personal opinion is personal writing is much better then general writing to apply to everyone because it evokes much more emotion.

__________________
You're so evil and I'm so good,
I'll make it up to you someday.

IHeartMusic

Thanks for the feedback. Regarding the use of "wit" instead of "with," honestly, if the usage of that word is going to take away from the message of the song that much, then I think that the listener/reader of that verse is on a different plane altogether. That sounds like a continuous criticism used by people who don't listen to rap/hip-hop, when the fact of the matter is, hip-hop has its own vernacular, and its own syntax/context for said vernacular - if you don't listen to it, you're either going to not understand it, or just devalue the music altogether. No disrespect to you; just a general find.

Additionally, for the last verse seeming like a Brad Paisley knockoff, I don't think hip-hop listeners would think that, considering that Brad Paisley is a country artist, which many rap fans don't listen to. As far as it being too negative, I've seen alcohol do a lot of negative to my family and to myself, including me nearly getting killed by a drunk driver. Plus, I made it a point to not just preach about the negativity that comes from it. I tried to actually relate to alcoholics' views and investigate why people turn to alcohol, with lines like this:

You must admit, in between, we had some good times
I gave you all that confidence to mack on them dimes
And you would give me to them, they feelin me too
**** up their brain, persuading them to give you the cooch/
When ya moms died, and friends was too busy to console you
I was there, never left, I would hug you, and hold you
Vomit for hours every morning, but that’s a sacrifice
You’re willing to make, I clear your mind and help you sleep at night

and, "*** it I'm through, being sober hasn't worked for me, so I'm bout to really see what these drugs really do"

The second verse was just a little more experimental, as far as personifying a bottle of alcohol. The first verse was a verse about a man on the edge, feeling like it's him against the world ("what's "it"? my temper, my pain and my circumstances/like the world knows EVERY last nerve, and it's workin at em
im killin everything, everybody in my path/whether its 1, or 100, or a thousand, feel my wrath"), while the second verse touches on both immensely negative situations and light-hearted ones, like using it to get women (well, light-hearted, depending on perspective).

I look at alcohol as a negative, but I thought that I presented different sides of what alcohol can do, and how/why people actually get addicted. Still, I appreciate the feedback.