sleepy jack fire drill

it sucks. theres probably tons of typos whatever

Love Looks Not with the Eyes, But with the Mind.

I'm watching you run in the grass with a daisy in your hair,
A shot glass in my hand, i'm so far off right now,
A red sundress with the occasional sneaker flash,
Yeah who said childhood love was meant to last?
I'm beside you, a little blond boy, chasing you around,
Tag you're it, and we stopped and fall exhausted beside
A tree, the same one where you married me,
Your smile - what a smile the way it would curve
Just a little but the corners would deepen
To dimples all the same, as the wind moved only
A little stirring the scattered pile of leaves
Where we'd early jumped, under a sky that
Was an impossibly brilliant shade of blue,
I pressed my lips to yours and I would never
Forget that touched, your mouth slightly warmed by the sun,
It was the kiss by which all the others would be judged by,
But still lacking, and you giggled at me as placed
Twisted makeshift rings onto eachothers fingers,
"I guess thats it, together for eternity."

You and I, we grew up together and walked to school every morning,
The frost on the ground, or it still burning as flowers bloomed,
And when we thought no one was looking, i'd kiss you,
You'd smile at me, the same one I'd wake in the night dreaming
Of, and such a love there was, as I walked down that same street with you,
Your dad he threw such a fit, but we ran off anyway,
And Savage Garden was singing through the walls
And all those kids, just lovers all meant to fall,
But you and I held hands,
And kissed at the end of our first dance.

Through the years things steadily began to change but
Our affection would always remain, we got in together,
And eventually tied golden rings to mark our forever,
And things never changed, the affection remained,
Two lovers touching for the first time under a honey moon,
Your body a geography familiar to me, but never seen in this light,
As I traced your curves and studied your horizons,
Under the moonlight.

And steadily things began to change, as our kids would come,
But the love still remained, we knew eachother better,
And our affection survived the worst weather,
The forgotten little things we held so dear,
The occasional forgotten anniversary,
Or not enough though to a present would all slip past,
Fall into a globe and be held behind glass,
We let go of our grudges and understood sincerity,
A rose planted in honesty could bloom more lovely
Then a routine necessity.

And you'd kiss my head as I sit in my chair,
Through no hair graced it much anymore,
Slowly shedding you didn't care, just like I
Always saw past the wrinkles that would bloom,
I'd look straight into your eyes and see the beauty in you,
But maybe I missed something, in the glint of your stare,
A recent pain would be bottled up there, you recieved
The call, our son he never made it through fall,
And your smile began to falter as tears poured out,
But a simple hug kept everything okay and we staggered
On through it all, claiming our love grows stronger with
Each and every fall.

So as I sit here in my room, watching you
From the corner of the room on the stool where I
Write failed romantic poetry and prose as your eyes are close
and you create stories of your own, I guess it was the
Drinking that made me think you were still seven,
So i'm writing again, perhaps the final book,
And ending is done, it tells of how things between
Two lovers die, how this stupid boy had scars
In his heart from blues eyes that burned too bright,
How she wanted a garden, a brilliant rose,
But he could give her no more then simple prose,
And how the things he said, well they were never weaved
Right, the stiching was loose the threads never tight,
How the shores they once danced on in their teens,
Were just graveyards for ships unseen, to wreck
On land and leave the sand in his throat,
But no matter how much he pours it never clears,
So she left him a note "hearts don't really break,
They only bend, so don't you cry even if this is the end."
And my last attempt at a dream I never had,
Has finally come to an end and the title of
The lengthy prose is hard to speak,
The title is you and me.

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zak

To be honest, this one really got to me. I got a bit choked up, and am typing this through some mild tears...Excellent, man, excellent. 11/10.

sleepy jack fire drill

Thanks you for that thats probably one of the nicest comments i've ever gotten, and the rest of you come on, I put alot of myself into this..

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right-track

You shouldn't settle for leaving this as it is.
Knock off all the rough edges and re-work the parts you think don't flow so well.

And that's my criticism.

^ I don't mean that to sound bad.
I actually think this is easily the best thing you've written on this forum by a mile.
And that's why I'm being a bit harsh with this, because I honestly think it has true potential.

sleepy jack fire drill

Yeah, i'm going to fix it up over the next few days and make it all clean and flowing. Thanks

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just for kicks

you got a real talent, that was best song like that ive seen in a while. really good

Trauma

Damn that was good, the last stanza really got to me.

It was pretty similar to "The Warmth In Those Dying Years", but you didn't quite have the exact mood or word choices Crowe did, so I liked it.

I give you a 8/10 for this, everything's great, it's one of those potential legendary poems.

Much love.

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