IrishWhiskey

Hey... I found this site in my favorites the other day, I joined it a while ago then kind of forgot about it, I forgot what a great site it was.

Anyway, I'm the main lyricist in my band... so here's something of mine. Any comments are welcome.


A Message in the Dark

I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart

Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long

I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made for you and me

[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again


You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?

All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance

I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?

sleepy jack

I'd switch wrote a message in the dark and passing cars, and take out heart. Heart is kind of overdone but can be used effectively and its not here.

Having read this, are you trying to use old cliches and reused words to form an empty song? You could do a better job at it because this doesn't have many of them only a few.

Try not to rhyme a word with the same word, it sounds bad. I suggest cutting it, message in the dark isn't that strong of a line and shouldn't be repeated that soon.

Wait four years to see your smile would be better.

This is probably my favorite part out of the whole thing I don't have much of a problem with it.

All that glitters is not gold wasn't cliche when shakespeare used it, but it is now. You could probably find a different metaphor to describe pretty things not being great. It doesn't even have to be that different, just slightly different.

This was a rather weak ending, I don't know what type of music its set to I guess it could work with some others not so much.

I thought the piece was bland and didn't hold anything interesting, I don't know what to say to fix it since the subject is kind of lame and the things you talk about are pretty vague.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

IrishWhiskey

Sorry its not up to your standards. :/ I've read some of your stuff and know I'll never be able to write like that. Absolutely brilliant.

Thanks for the criticism... I didn't even notice some of the stuff you pointed out, especially the me-me rhyming in the third verse.

I guess the whole point of it is kind of vague. I wake up in middle of night and write something down, feel need to tell it to her, go to her house, not there, I sit and think a bit, go home, the next day I forget what I wrote. That's sort of what I was going at, but I suppose its portrayed somewhat unclearly to a third party who doesn't really know the point I was trying to make. The "old cliches" part was in reference to what I wrote down I guess... like the things I wanted to tell her had been told for years, but I still had to tell her them. Yeah, I use a couple cliche'd phrases in the song, but give me a break.

Here's the link to the song: purevolume™ | Trotter's Field

Feel free to tell me if you like it/how I could improve it, it was already recorded by the time I posted the lyrics, so sorry I couldn't change them.

Thanks!