xemoxyox623

sleepy jack

Cliche, and trite, basically like everything you've posted.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

xemoxyox623

thanks for the opinion
;]

Ace

Ouch. That's a bit harsh, Ethan.
Unfortunately, I'll have to agree with em' on this one.
Perhaps if you chose a different subject, and made sure not to end every line with words that rhyme. Example:

heart, apart, pain, gain, down, around, sound, turn, burn....

I could keep going.
Try to rewrite it using a different style.

__________________

xemoxyox623

i generally do write with a rhyme, sometimes good, sometimes bad. i guess i can take it from a different perspective. thanks. ;]
(and yes construction criticism is more appreciated than outright insult)

sleepy jack

I notice this problem so much, and I honestly think if people aren't going to rhyme creatively then shouldn't rhyme at all. Rhyming sounds good, but you can do things with it and it would sound better because it doesn't look so bad. You can rely on syllables too. Use a different rhyming scheme instead of aabb, even abab would be better. Though both are pretty lame, play around with it and do like abcabcdd or something.

I mean in buckley's grace he goes abbcdefgee.

And she weeps on my arm
Walking to the bright lights in sorrow
Oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
Oh my love
And the rain is falling and I believe
My time has come
It reminds me of the pain
I might leave
Leave behind

Thats so much better then.

And she weeps on my arm,
Walking in the bright lights of harm,.
Oh we might go out tomorrow,
My love never feel sorrow,
And I believe the falling of the rain
It reminds me of pain,
I might leave.
I might leave.

He rhymes line five with ten, and its way more interesting them rhyming line one with three and two with four and about the syllables.

Scheme:
Roses burn kindle and fall,
But I knew we would live through all.

Without a scheme:
Roses burn, kindle and fall.
But I knew we would live like faith.

It sounds just as good because they both have the same amount of syllables. Its annoying because everyone seems to use lame variants on A and B and occasionally they throw in a C. People need to invent their own schemes or use internal rhyming or something. Theres also like half rhymes, like weed/me, both have the ee sound, but me doesn't have a d at the end.

Like,

They took you apart and left you to feel pain,
Oh but please don't think you're the one to blame.

ain and ame work just as well, and internal rhyming is cool to,

don't you see the frozen bee?
it lays in the frost every day.

See/Bee, Lays/Day both work, and its more surprising line to line. I just think people need to start playing with techniques I basically instantly dismiss a song as soon as I read the first verse is "Can't you see, that you really hurt me, and every night cry, cause im wondering why." It takes away from the piece this probably didn't make any sense.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

Ace

Well said. I usually skip over it also, even though I've done the same rhyming style in a few of mine.
It works if the pace is slow, but 9/10 times your readers wont be going the proper pace for constant rhyming not to bother them.
In this case, it's impossible to give this much thought at all, since every last word rhymes.
I'd try what Ethan said, and basically rewrite it using a different style.

__________________

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

rhyming isn't bad, but it tends to create a crutch for the author sometimes. it either makes them think "well this rhymed, so its better than if it hadn't" which is never really the case. Or they think, "I want to say this but it doesn't rhyme so im going to contort this line till it sounds like hell, just as long as it rhymes"

Rhyme tends to take precendent over good writing...and thats just piss poor.

__________________
“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

xemoxyox623

actually it is indeed my style to rhyme and i do use different patterns but i happen to write this one this way... oh well. and it works with the guitar/bass/drums ive written so i think ill leave this alone for now. i will indeed use this advice in the future if im in a bind. thanks. ;]

Voice_of_the_Soul12,13,01

That helped me understand rhyming schemes so much better. Thanks.

__________________
When the day of Judgment comes, no value for human life or blind visions of peace will save you. Your strength or lack of will determine your right to live.