TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

...I guess.

I don't know where we are in the back and forth between "yes you can post poems here" and "no you can't" but I'm going to toss out a little piece I wrote while bored in my blog. Let me know what you think. If anyone sees any merit in it I might actually work on it. Anyway...

To all the women I've ever loved

I still remember your shoes. Those
Attrocious ballerina flats
or whatever they are.
You wore them without socks and I thought
"I hate those ****ing shoes" but
I liked them on you. And I
Can't remember what i liked about your face,
But I still remeber the rabbitt you traced on my
Back with your nails. Or maybe it was a 3.
I remember the city seemed to creep in
On the breeze through the cracked window,
And the lights and the cars, that reminded us
it was just us here. I remember when you held my
hand and looked me in the eye.
There was no reason for it,
but you seemed proud of me amoung all the other
emotions there in your eyes.

__________________
“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

sleepy jack

Its actually more rare for songs to be posted here then poetry, well among the regular posters...

I like it alot, but the ending was kind of eh

I remember when you held my
hand and looked me in the eye.
There was no reason for it,
but you seemed proud of me amoung all the other
emotions there in your eyes.

The repetition of eye kind of takes away from using it again, and i'd personally rework it the first time since the ending is most key. I don't know "I remember when you held my hand and looked at me" might work.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

well there was a worse ending that I cut off, but this was a literal 2 minute job, so I'm well aware there are glaring flaws. Im hoping I can get a majority consensus on what needs fixing.

__________________
“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

A little more descriptors.

Attrocious < It's spelled atrocious. I don't like the use of "****ing."

Can't remember what i liked < The "I" is capital.

__________________

I said: I'm fucking the Prime Minister Of Spain.