Drink From the River, and Swallow Your Love. (favorite songs, memory)

sleepy jack · 04-30-2007, 03:44 AM

last line blows

Drink From the River, and Swallow Your Love.

Down to the river, wade into the water,
Float in the Wolf singing your favorite songs,
Your voice carried on for miles and miles,
And in the fading twilight I saw your face,
As you painted words into the water that
Would drift into the sea, and always remain
A memory, and until the moment you finally had to breath,
They would cease to be and the water would fill your lungs,
And wheres theres love, theres a current to drown in.

The Dave · 04-30-2007, 09:58 AM

That it does, but overall, it's not a bad piece.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 05-06-2007, 04:44 PM

I didn't mind the last line. Other than "Wheres theres." Is the Wolf a river? If it isn't, that sounds dumb.

IrishWhiskey · 05-06-2007, 09:28 PM

The only thing I didn't like about it was how you used 'float' twice (Float in the Wolf; Would float to the sea). If it was a longer poem it would be fine, but given the fact that its pretty short you should change one to 'drift' or something. Good job though, I enjoyed this.

sleepy jack · 05-07-2007, 02:25 PM

Wolf is a river, and thank you cahnged.

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04-30-2007, 03:44 AM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	Drink From the River, and Swallow Your Love. last line blows Drink From the River, and Swallow Your Love. Down to the river, wade into the water, Float in the Wolf singing your favorite songs, Your voice carried on for miles and miles, And in the fading twilight I saw your face, As you painted words into the water that Would drift into the sea, and always remain A memory, and until the moment you finally had to breath, They would cease to be and the water would fill your lungs, And wheres theres love, theres a current to drown in. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

04-30-2007, 09:58 AM
The Dave Me and The Major Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,896	That it does, but overall, it's not a bad piece. __________________ My collection,winkwinkcoughcough

05-06-2007, 09:28 PM
IrishWhiskey Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 52	The only thing I didn't like about it was how you used 'float' twice (Float in the Wolf; Would float to the sea). If it was a longer poem it would be fine, but given the fact that its pretty short you should change one to 'drift' or something. Good job though, I enjoyed this.

05-07-2007, 02:25 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	Wolf is a river, and thank you cahnged. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.