When We Kiss The Rest Of The World Seems Obscure. (dance, favorite song)

**sleepy jack** · 05-08-2007, 01:43 AM

ive been writing alot these past few days, if you see any improvements in the next few pieces i'd like to knoww.

When We Kiss The Rest Of The World Seems Obscure.

We dance to the music of a radio drifting through,
An open window our favorite song, and we smile and its like
The stars are projecting into your eyes tonight as we dream of running away,
Oh how they shine, your smile like the sun placed on earth,
So close your eyes and this will all remain as real as the night
When we first told the other how much we cared,
And kept it hidden in fear of discovery I don't think this
World can be prettier then when the shades seem to change
To show something more than what is, as you spin in my arms again.

And the moon seems to rise like on a scale weighing less than the sun,
As it rises to the sky, and we find ourselves in the same place,
We were hours ago, but still happy as we kiss and taste eachothers lips,
Stuck deep within the others heart where we continue to grow,
And bloom to something that nothing can compare to,
A forest that rises from the ashes of something we never saw,
But what a soil that made to grow such a thing as my roots continue to grow in you.

So my songbird take my hand and we'll fly away to some
Place where no one knows our name, and we'll lay in the sun
On foreign shores, and sink into the sand where not even time can touch us,
And we'll be together like our fortune said we'd be,
You and I, hand in hand for eternity.

The Dave · 05-08-2007, 07:52 AM

So close your eyes and this will all remain as real as the night
Change it to read
So close your eyes and all this will remain as real as the night
Flows better that way.

And the moon seems to rise like on a scale weighing less then the sun
Change "then" to "than"

Stuck deep within the others hearts where we continue to grow,
Hearts needs to be singular

And we'll be together like a fortunes said we'd be,
Fortunes needs to be singular

All of that, and you kinda go from past to present tense at random times which makes it slightly confusing.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 05-08-2007, 08:31 AM

When you kiss, I'm in the shadows masturbating. Not really, but I thought I should say something untrue disgusting and random. I think I've accomplished my goal on all three fronts.

**sleepy jack** · 05-08-2007, 01:30 PM

haha.

Fixed those parts dave, except the first read doesn't make much sense.

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05-08-2007, 01:43 AM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,572	When We Kiss The Rest Of The World Seems Obscure. ive been writing alot these past few days, if you see any improvements in the next few pieces i'd like to knoww. When We Kiss The Rest Of The World Seems Obscure. We dance to the music of a radio drifting through, An open window our favorite song, and we smile and its like The stars are projecting into your eyes tonight as we dream of running away, Oh how they shine, your smile like the sun placed on earth, So close your eyes and this will all remain as real as the night When we first told the other how much we cared, And kept it hidden in fear of discovery I don't think this World can be prettier then when the shades seem to change To show something more than what is, as you spin in my arms again. And the moon seems to rise like on a scale weighing less than the sun, As it rises to the sky, and we find ourselves in the same place, We were hours ago, but still happy as we kiss and taste eachothers lips, Stuck deep within the others heart where we continue to grow, And bloom to something that nothing can compare to, A forest that rises from the ashes of something we never saw, But what a soil that made to grow such a thing as my roots continue to grow in you. So my songbird take my hand and we'll fly away to some Place where no one knows our name, and we'll lay in the sun On foreign shores, and sink into the sand where not even time can touch us, And we'll be together like our fortune said we'd be, You and I, hand in hand for eternity. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

05-08-2007, 07:52 AM
The Dave Me and The Major Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,886	So close your eyes and this will all remain as real as the night Change it to read So close your eyes and all this will remain as real as the night Flows better that way. And the moon seems to rise like on a scale weighing less then the sun Change "then" to "than" Stuck deep within the others hearts where we continue to grow, Hearts needs to be singular And we'll be together like a fortunes said we'd be, Fortunes needs to be singular All of that, and you kinda go from past to present tense at random times which makes it slightly confusing. __________________ My collection,winkwinkcoughcough

05-08-2007, 01:30 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,572	haha. Fixed those parts dave, except the first read doesn't make much sense. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.