irony - a work in progress (song)

jgd85 · 07-05-2007, 09:52 AM

Does cloud nine exist?

Beyond the crystal irony,

this figment of bliss

achieves nothing more

than the rise of my fist.

.

Why was I excluded?

Am I undeserving?

Never was I convicted

Furthermore

I remain committed

.

What do I care?

I am better off without

this unjust fare.

Secretly I ponder,

If only I was there.

I wrote this as a poem but realized it maybe had potential as a song. Let me know what you think about it, and whether or not you believe it could be turned into a song.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 07-14-2007, 08:52 PM

What the hell is this about?

Ornette · 07-16-2007, 12:59 PM

The rhymes are extremely forced, and it seems like three totally unrelated stanzas. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say or what message you're attempting to convey, either.

jgd85 · 07-16-2007, 01:21 PM

to clarify,

cloud nine is a metaphor for heaven on earth, or equally interpreted as unconditional or true love from one person to another.

in the first stanza (anger) the narrator questions the existence of such a thing.
in the seconds stanza (jealousy) the narrator is saying 'its not fair, how come i am left out' because they have never done wrong onto the person they love, they have never been unfaithful.
in the third stanza(longing/irony) the narrator tries to convince him/herself that they don't care, when in reality they do.

the whole thing is ironic in the sense that this person is lying to him/herself. they say they don't believe in something, and then question why they don't experience it. if they truly believed that it didnt exist they wouldn't waste their time thinking about it. people do this every day.

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07-05-2007, 09:52 AM
jgd85 down the rabbit hole Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: the mountain called monkey Posts: 717	irony - a work in progress Does cloud nine exist? Beyond the crystal irony, this figment of bliss achieves nothing more than the rise of my fist. . Why was I excluded? Am I undeserving? Never was I convicted Furthermore I remain committed . What do I care? I am better off without this unjust fare. Secretly I ponder, If only I was there. I wrote this as a poem but realized it maybe had potential as a song. Let me know what you think about it, and whether or not you believe it could be turned into a song. __________________ death makes angels of us all / and gives us wings / where we had shoulders / smooth as raven's claws - jim morrison

07-16-2007, 12:59 PM
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 113	The rhymes are extremely forced, and it seems like three totally unrelated stanzas. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say or what message you're attempting to convey, either.

07-16-2007, 01:21 PM
jgd85 down the rabbit hole Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: the mountain called monkey Posts: 717	to clarify, cloud nine is a metaphor for heaven on earth, or equally interpreted as unconditional or true love from one person to another. in the first stanza (anger) the narrator questions the existence of such a thing. in the seconds stanza (jealousy) the narrator is saying 'its not fair, how come i am left out' because they have never done wrong onto the person they love, they have never been unfaithful. in the third stanza(longing/irony) the narrator tries to convince him/herself that they don't care, when in reality they do. the whole thing is ironic in the sense that this person is lying to him/herself. they say they don't believe in something, and then question why they don't experience it. if they truly believed that it didnt exist they wouldn't waste their time thinking about it. people do this every day. __________________ death makes angels of us all / and gives us wings / where we had shoulders / smooth as raven's claws - jim morrison