A Tear Shed For The Bird With The Broken Voice. (fan, member)

sleepy jack · 08-18-2007, 07:55 PM

A Shattered Mirror Still Hangs.

I've been writing with invisible ink
But it doesn't even scratch the surface,
And you know what they say about blank paper
Its a world waiting to begin,
But so far i've seen nothing
Just the prelude to the end.

You see I write in cursive
No I don't i'm much too sloppy
But if elegance meant creativity well I guess
I'd be the Vasari of poetry,
But worn with time can't a page look pretty?
It may hold nothing but it can add to the scenery
And hey, even if you hate it
Maybe you can just walk blindly,
After all the dumb kid with no senses
Never knows if hes been hated or loved.

So now were left to question the meaning of sixteen pens that lay in a casket,
Well its there to sum up the life work of a man
Who decided that his time was better spent looking
Into the mirror and tracing words the wrong way
For seven days he slept well
Under the silhouette of a close casket funeral service.

And now, the flower tries to dig itself out of the soil
You know beauty should not be found in words
But in pictures for whats harder to achieve the grace of speech
Or your god given face?
So pull up your wings and remember all the tired cliches,
If you love something give it away
And I believe the south is calling, with love.

Ornette · 08-18-2007, 08:07 PM

This is okay. Almost all of your line break and punctuation usage is downright confusing and not too helpful to the poem. Also, I can't really grasp a solid meaning out from any of it, perhaps because of the aforementioned problem. I'm also not a huge fan of the way you sum up the poem by actually saying "in summary". Overall it's not terrible by any means, but it could benefit from some rewording and repunctuating (which isn't a word but should be one).

sleepy jack · 08-18-2007, 08:20 PM

Yeah I know i'm terrible with formats/punctuation and i'll do that when i'm in an editing mood, i'm exhausted now. I should fix the title so its more related to the piece too so yeah editing mood.

Ornette · 08-18-2007, 08:28 PM

Alright. Just curious, are most of your things handwritten or typed originally?

sleepy jack · 08-18-2007, 08:31 PM

Handwritten, in some cases typed. But I like to hand write it so i'll always have it but in handwritten format its writtne like this:

I've writing with invisible ink, but it doesn't even scratch the surface, and you know what they say about blank paper its a world waiting to begin, but so far i've seen nothing, just the prelude to the end.

In paragraph format, but when I posted stuff like that awhile ago I kept getting told that it made it intimidating to read so I stopped.

Ornette · 08-18-2007, 08:47 PM

Alright. Your work reads stream-of-consciously, which usually lends itself to being originally handwritten. That's why I was curious. Look at some classic poets and see how they use line breaks and punctuation to completely change the meaning of one or two lines of poetry. A more modern example of someone who I feel is excellent at this is Galway Kinnell.

For whatever reason, someone put up his (in my opinion) best work on their website, so here's a link in case you feel like reading.

Akira Rabelais / The Book Of Nightmares

sleepy jack · 08-18-2007, 09:00 PM

Thank you for that, I reworked the format and made some slight revisions as well as changed the titled.

Ornette · 08-18-2007, 09:14 PM

Much better, except I'm not as fond of the new ending. It doesn't feel like you're the one giving the loved one away if the south is calling and taking her without any input from you. Unless I'm not getting the intent right.

sleepy jack · 08-19-2007, 01:42 AM

No, that was a mistake on my part, I didn't wanna rhyme away and away. I'll think up something tomorrow i'm going to sleep, or hopefully dream up something that'd be better.

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08-18-2007, 07:55 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	A Shattered Mirror Still Hangs. A Shattered Mirror Still Hangs. I've been writing with invisible ink But it doesn't even scratch the surface, And you know what they say about blank paper Its a world waiting to begin, But so far i've seen nothing Just the prelude to the end. You see I write in cursive No I don't i'm much too sloppy But if elegance meant creativity well I guess I'd be the Vasari of poetry, But worn with time can't a page look pretty? It may hold nothing but it can add to the scenery And hey, even if you hate it Maybe you can just walk blindly, After all the dumb kid with no senses Never knows if hes been hated or loved. So now were left to question the meaning of sixteen pens that lay in a casket, Well its there to sum up the life work of a man Who decided that his time was better spent looking Into the mirror and tracing words the wrong way For seven days he slept well Under the silhouette of a close casket funeral service. And now, the flower tries to dig itself out of the soil You know beauty should not be found in words But in pictures for whats harder to achieve the grace of speech Or your god given face? So pull up your wings and remember all the tired cliches, If you love something give it away And I believe the south is calling, with love. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

08-18-2007, 08:07 PM
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 113	This is okay. Almost all of your line break and punctuation usage is downright confusing and not too helpful to the poem. Also, I can't really grasp a solid meaning out from any of it, perhaps because of the aforementioned problem. I'm also not a huge fan of the way you sum up the poem by actually saying "in summary". Overall it's not terrible by any means, but it could benefit from some rewording and repunctuating (which isn't a word but should be one).

08-18-2007, 08:20 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	Yeah I know i'm terrible with formats/punctuation and i'll do that when i'm in an editing mood, i'm exhausted now. I should fix the title so its more related to the piece too so yeah editing mood. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

08-18-2007, 08:28 PM
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 113	Alright. Just curious, are most of your things handwritten or typed originally?

08-18-2007, 08:31 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	Handwritten, in some cases typed. But I like to hand write it so i'll always have it but in handwritten format its writtne like this: I've writing with invisible ink, but it doesn't even scratch the surface, and you know what they say about blank paper its a world waiting to begin, but so far i've seen nothing, just the prelude to the end. In paragraph format, but when I posted stuff like that awhile ago I kept getting told that it made it intimidating to read so I stopped. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

08-18-2007, 08:47 PM
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 113	Alright. Your work reads stream-of-consciously, which usually lends itself to being originally handwritten. That's why I was curious. Look at some classic poets and see how they use line breaks and punctuation to completely change the meaning of one or two lines of poetry. A more modern example of someone who I feel is excellent at this is Galway Kinnell. For whatever reason, someone put up his (in my opinion) best work on their website, so here's a link in case you feel like reading. Akira Rabelais / The Book Of Nightmares

08-18-2007, 09:00 PM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	Thank you for that, I reworked the format and made some slight revisions as well as changed the titled. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

08-18-2007, 09:14 PM
Ornette Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Ohio Posts: 113	Much better, except I'm not as fond of the new ending. It doesn't feel like you're the one giving the loved one away if the south is calling and taking her without any input from you. Unless I'm not getting the intent right.

08-19-2007, 01:42 AM
sleepy jack dance music Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 17,772	No, that was a mistake on my part, I didn't wanna rhyme away and away. I'll think up something tomorrow i'm going to sleep, or hopefully dream up something that'd be better. __________________ I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier, He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.