sleepy jack

Untitled

I guess you could say i've always lived on sand
Watching a savior trace my sins into them,
And he said 'watch' and the wind would blow them away
Then he'd fill me with stories of the wickedness of man,
And I grew scared,
He said someday he'd return
To make written word come true,
To break every church pew,
And you could save your life by singing Hallelujah and saying grace,
The pearly gates would let you in
But Jesus Christ my savior I just can't do that without a solid hand to grasp,
Preferably with holes and a broken back that he could heal in an instant
But only after walking across the Atlantic
And bringing me a foreign basin to wash my feet in
Because we know i'm so dirty.

But Yahweh, my god something isn't working,
You're becoming more of a ghost then I ever thought you could be,
You're floating away and you can't hold my hand,
I planted your seed inside my stomach, won't you bloom?
I'm so wilted and i'm burnt soil I know, but won't you just fucking bloom?
Dig your roots deep into me,
You said I just had to believe...

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I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

LesPaul43

The second stanza is good.
The First stanza is absolutely amazing. Seriously, I love it.

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figure8

prettiest thing i've read of your's so far, e

you're my hero

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this is a mouth that needs religion.

Blain

You're ***.

Your writings still good.

Ornette

Not a fan of the sudden rhyme there, especially since it's really the only end rhyme set in the whole poem.

Before this part of the poem and after it, as well, is some beautiful and image-filled writing. These lines feel really out of place because they're so blatant and obvious in meaning. Also, you continue to use the word "you" in here without making it clear who the savior is speaking to. It could be you (the reader) or you (the main character). Adding a "said" after the word And would fix that, if you think it's a problem.

Cliche.

Again, throughout the whole poem your use of punctuation is really bizarre, but that only gets fixed through practice. Overall, great job.

sleepy jack

Will edit and re-format later tonight once I finish doing some other things.

/really sucks with formatting/punctuation.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

Ornette

Read some of your favorite poems (not lyrics, because the even the extremely poetic variety of those, like Drew Speziale's lyrics, are never really punctuated well) and really pay attention to where the poets put punctuation. It can really change a poem for the better.

sleepy jack

Alrightt i'll do that.

__________________
I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.

Ornette

Cool. As with anything, there won't be an immediate change in your writing, but what you write is influenced more than anything by what you read, so it'll come over time. I've probably hit on this to the point of becoming annoying, so I'll stop now.

sleepy jack

Nah its not annoying, its something I need to work on,

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I dyed my hair in a motel void met the coroner at the Dreamgate Frontier,
He took my hand said I'll help you boy if you really want to disappear.