Small song about suicide (title)

Alo · 10-17-2007, 01:48 PM

Tonight is created to cease existence
For me there is no consequence
Nothing awaits, emptyness awaits, darkness awaits

Do you believe in absence, past wildest imaginations?
Is it even possible to believe in something that does not subsist?

Dying is the best way to get to know yourself
Answers unfold out of the non-existent being
So… here it goes.

I heard bones break, yet the sound of breathing lacks
But I hear sobbing, coming out of the body on the patio.
She seems familiar, this girl, with wild dreams

What happened?
Can I go back?
Is it too late?
Where… am I?
Am, I?

**sleepy jack** · 10-17-2007, 01:51 PM

The first verse kind of ruins the entire mystery the piece would otherwise have. Title aside if someone were to read the first verse they could basically not read the rest of the piece and know what it's about, which is a bad thing I personally think. I'd maybe make the first verse more vague and more subtle, I honestly think it looks better without it. Other then that its great.

Alo · 10-17-2007, 01:55 PM

Maybe I should place the first verse in a different place in the song?

I wasn't too happy with it anyway, but skipping it makes the song to short (and as you said) too vague.
I like the first line, but the last two can go, they're cheesy.

Alo · 10-17-2007, 01:57 PM

Tonight is created to cease existence
Do you believe in absence, past wildest imaginations?
Is it even possible to believe in something that does not subsist?

Dying is the best way to get to know yourself
Answers unfold out of the non-existent being
So… here it goes.

I heard bones break, yet the sound of breathing lacks
But I hear sobbing, coming out of the body on the patio.
She seems familiar, this girl, with wild dreams

What happened?
Can I go back?
Is it too late?
Where… am I?
Am, I?

---

Better? (':

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10-17-2007, 01:48 PM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 717	Small song about suicide Tonight is created to cease existence For me there is no consequence Nothing awaits, emptyness awaits, darkness awaits Do you believe in absence, past wildest imaginations? Is it even possible to believe in something that does not subsist? Dying is the best way to get to know yourself Answers unfold out of the non-existent being So… here it goes. I heard bones break, yet the sound of breathing lacks But I hear sobbing, coming out of the body on the patio. She seems familiar, this girl, with wild dreams What happened? Can I go back? Is it too late? Where… am I? Am, I? __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

10-17-2007, 01:51 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,373	The first verse kind of ruins the entire mystery the piece would otherwise have. Title aside if someone were to read the first verse they could basically not read the rest of the piece and know what it's about, which is a bad thing I personally think. I'd maybe make the first verse more vague and more subtle, I honestly think it looks better without it. Other then that its great. __________________ You're so evil and I'm so good, I'll make it up to you someday.

10-17-2007, 01:55 PM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 717	Maybe I should place the first verse in a different place in the song? I wasn't too happy with it anyway, but skipping it makes the song to short (and as you said) too vague. I like the first line, but the last two can go, they're cheesy. __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

10-17-2007, 01:57 PM
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 717	Tonight is created to cease existence Do you believe in absence, past wildest imaginations? Is it even possible to believe in something that does not subsist? Dying is the best way to get to know yourself Answers unfold out of the non-existent being So… here it goes. I heard bones break, yet the sound of breathing lacks But I hear sobbing, coming out of the body on the patio. She seems familiar, this girl, with wild dreams What happened? Can I go back? Is it too late? Where… am I? Am, I? --- Better? (': __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied