Songs and Daughters (lyrics, Queen, quote, Lute, hands)

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-01-2007, 10:10 AM

Here’s to the slack between your knees,
The dead end dream, fit for a queen.
Its not what they say, its so much more!
Scratch her off with a knock on my door.
I don't need to explain myself, it’s just how I am.
If you have a problem with that, make me a man.

One more is to love me, One less is to know me.
We love the mundane, well so much for liberty when
Everything I stood for is on the floor,
I couldn't refuse to just adore,
And love the mask behind the man,
Who used to fill my head, now he only fills my hands.

It’s just the way we love today-
The songs and daughters make my day.

A sonnet style lyric about a relationship I was in, any criticism is welcome.

Ace · 12-10-2007, 04:59 AM

Erase it. There's no form to it, and I don't really see a story.

Dizzys in the wolf · 12-10-2007, 10:18 AM

Its about a relationship I was in with a boy while he was dating another girl and how people reacted to me being part of it all and how it affected me. The story is in there, and the form is there. If you read it you'll see that I even said it is a Sonnet.

Ace · 12-10-2007, 06:26 PM

I give it a 0.5/10.

**sleepy jack** · 12-10-2007, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ace

Erase it. There's no form to it, and I don't really see a story.

So? Half the stuff posted in here rated highly is cliche crap that all runs along the same woe-is-me-watch-as-i-cut-myself. This is not only refreshing but one of the best things I've seen in here in awhile.

Ace · 12-10-2007, 06:34 PM

If I recall, you're the one who'd rather have this entire thing turned into one big poetry fest. I'm here for music, and nothing else. I don't like lyrics unless they tell a story, and flow well with music. I'll rate the songs, and I'll leave you to give good marks on the poems.
This one has absolutely no story in it, and if it does, it's one only the author can perceive. To each his own opinion.

**sleepy jack** · 12-10-2007, 06:36 PM

I fail to see a problem with that. I'd rather have something so vague and pretty you can't understand it than something so blunt it looks like it was written by a five year old with no grasp on imagery or metaphors.

Ace · 12-10-2007, 06:41 PM

This is coming from the same man who'd usually rip someone a new ass for rhyming. Every last word of this piece of work, rhymes with the last word of the next line. Be consistant, even if it is in judgement. Personally, that doesn't bother me nearly as much, if it's in such a slow pace that it flows nicely. But I see no flow to it, and I'd rate this no different if even you had posted it. But if you like it, then cheers to you. Not my cup of tea.

**sleepy jack** · 12-10-2007, 06:42 PM

Yeah because I find banal lyrics coupled with banal rhyming to be awful.

Crowe · 12-11-2007, 08:07 PM

I like it too, got an abstract feel to it... I feel like this could be a very psych. lo-fi song in the vein of Low. I don't like the last couplet.

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12-01-2007, 10:10 AM
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 164	Songs and Daughters Here’s to the slack between your knees, The dead end dream, fit for a queen. Its not what they say, its so much more! Scratch her off with a knock on my door. I don't need to explain myself, it’s just how I am. If you have a problem with that, make me a man. One more is to love me, One less is to know me. We love the mundane, well so much for liberty when Everything I stood for is on the floor, I couldn't refuse to just adore, And love the mask behind the man, Who used to fill my head, now he only fills my hands. It’s just the way we love today- The songs and daughters make my day. A sonnet style lyric about a relationship I was in, any criticism is welcome. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads. Last edited by Dizzys in the wolf : 12-10-2007 at 10:36 AM.

12-10-2007, 04:59 AM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 647	Erase it. There's no form to it, and I don't really see a story. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

12-10-2007, 10:18 AM
Dizzys in the wolf Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 164	Its about a relationship I was in with a boy while he was dating another girl and how people reacted to me being part of it all and how it affected me. The story is in there, and the form is there. If you read it you'll see that I even said it is a Sonnet. __________________ There’s something about seeing this city at night Where we can say what we want and do what we like. These streets are empty but we don't feel alone, We can run in the dark and sleep on the roads.

12-10-2007, 06:26 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 647	I give it a 0.5/10. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

12-10-2007, 06:34 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 647	If I recall, you're the one who'd rather have this entire thing turned into one big poetry fest. I'm here for music, and nothing else. I don't like lyrics unless they tell a story, and flow well with music. I'll rate the songs, and I'll leave you to give good marks on the poems. This one has absolutely no story in it, and if it does, it's one only the author can perceive. To each his own opinion. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

12-10-2007, 06:36 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	I fail to see a problem with that. I'd rather have something so vague and pretty you can't understand it than something so blunt it looks like it was written by a five year old with no grasp on imagery or metaphors. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

12-10-2007, 06:41 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 647	This is coming from the same man who'd usually rip someone a new ass for rhyming. Every last word of this piece of work, rhymes with the last word of the next line. Be consistant, even if it is in judgement. Personally, that doesn't bother me nearly as much, if it's in such a slow pace that it flows nicely. But I see no flow to it, and I'd rate this no different if even you had posted it. But if you like it, then cheers to you. Not my cup of tea. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

12-10-2007, 06:42 PM
sleepy jack Bone Machine Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Jesusland Posts: 17,561	Yeah because I find banal lyrics coupled with banal rhyming to be awful. __________________ I'm not blind, I believe in you.

12-11-2007, 08:07 PM
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Chicago/St. Louie Posts: 726	I like it too, got an abstract feel to it... I feel like this could be a very psych. lo-fi song in the vein of Low. I don't like the last couplet. __________________ My silly experimental band: www.myspace.com/boyfromthestarsmusic