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Old 12-12-2007, 02:24 PM  
moonage-t
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Default That day you woke up

banging your fist on the hospital doors
waiting for a sign of life, it never comes
and now you're done

sitting in the next room while they exchange stories
of how far you've come, but your tears won't stop falling
you can't sleep
you never have nice dreams

with each day you trust them less and less
good bodies bad brains, tell yourself you're not obsessed
keep your curtains closed so the world outside
will never know you're fucked and lonely

keep it to yourself, the best you can,
if no one hears you break down then it never happened
keep your fists bloodied and your head against the wall
if it's gonna see you through it try anything at all

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Old 12-12-2007, 02:32 PM  
Dizzys in the wolf
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with each day you trust them less and less
good bodies bad brains, tell yourself you're not obsessed
keep your curtains closed so the world outside
will never know you're ****ed and lonely

Picked up some really cool momentum and the rythem really came through strongly for me but the last line of it kinda cuts it short.
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Old 12-14-2007, 06:09 AM  
Ace
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I would suggest changing the second to last line, and working the story out more to sorrow, instead of anger. But this is definately an improvement. Keep workin'.
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She said if time was in a bottle
High up on her shelf
She would knock it over
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If faith was in her left hand
And love was in her right
She'd put them both together
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