human nobody (show, song)

Jadix · 12-19-2007, 01:35 PM

I'm staring down the wall
but he's not blinking
I hold on to a stone
to keep from sinking
I want to go back home
but its too dangerous
she said she is my mom
but which one is this?

bridge:
I'm a fake
a mistake

chorus:
I'm a waste of a
perfectly human...
nobody
I'm a waste of a
perfectly human...
nobody

Im staring down the sun
until the morning
I go straight on down this road
but it keeps on turning
I dont know where I am
But I think I like it
Another path of dirt
becomes a highway

bridge:
All my frayed
DNA

is a waste of a
perfectly human
nobody
a waste of a
perfectly human
nobody

Ace · 12-19-2007, 09:46 PM

Meh. Once again, I'll encourage to kind of stay off the well worn out path of angst, and try writing about a different topic. However, I feel that you did alright on the verses, even though I didn't care for the chorus at all. Keep a consistant style from verse to chorus, and it'll all mix well.
Verse 1 rhymes a bit too much, unless the song is very slow paced. I do advise you write on another topic though, as "I'm a fake, a mistake" is generally a turn off to most people. Keep writing.

Jadix · 12-19-2007, 10:12 PM

thanks a lot for the reply. I can see how the angst will turn a lot of people off, but i guess its just where im at in my life right now.

though i was sincere about the "im a fake, a mistake", i can see how they're also very cliche...so thanks for pointing that out.

what didn't you like about the chorus? what did you think it meant?

Ace · 12-19-2007, 10:34 PM

Just around those same lines. The chorus adds the most angst, compared to the rest of it. You could always rewrite "I'm a fake", as something like, "I'm not all I appear to be. You never know, which side you'll see." Something along those lines, but definately not the exact same way. Just get creative with the same concept. If it doesn't fly the first time, keep workin' on it.

Edit: And there's nothing wrong with giving human characteristics to unanimate objects like walls,
but "staring down a wall, and he's not blinking", doesn't make much sense. I actually like the concept a little bit.
You could take "he" out and substitute "it".

Jadix · 12-19-2007, 11:36 PM

i debated over to go with "it" or "he", but i felt like if the character was alone and staring at a wall as if in a staring contest, he would be in such a state as to really think the wall had a personality or was alive. I know it doesn't make sense, but thats kind of the point.

Similar to "Staring at the sun, until the morning", because you cant stare at the sun during the night. Except this part of the piece is intended to show one of the character's weaknesses as being a coward or being spineless.

Everything is supposed to be an admittance of weakness in a way, as well as confusion and carelessness.

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12-19-2007, 01:35 PM
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 144	human nobody I'm staring down the wall but he's not blinking I hold on to a stone to keep from sinking I want to go back home but its too dangerous she said she is my mom but which one is this? bridge: I'm a fake a mistake chorus: I'm a waste of a perfectly human... nobody I'm a waste of a perfectly human... nobody Im staring down the sun until the morning I go straight on down this road but it keeps on turning I dont know where I am But I think I like it Another path of dirt becomes a highway bridge: All my frayed DNA is a waste of a perfectly human nobody a waste of a perfectly human nobody Last edited by Jadix : 12-19-2007 at 05:57 PM.

12-19-2007, 09:46 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 648	Meh. Once again, I'll encourage to kind of stay off the well worn out path of angst, and try writing about a different topic. However, I feel that you did alright on the verses, even though I didn't care for the chorus at all. Keep a consistant style from verse to chorus, and it'll all mix well. Verse 1 rhymes a bit too much, unless the song is very slow paced. I do advise you write on another topic though, as "I'm a fake, a mistake" is generally a turn off to most people. Keep writing. __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve Last edited by Ace : 12-19-2007 at 10:38 PM.

12-19-2007, 10:12 PM
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 144	thanks a lot for the reply. I can see how the angst will turn a lot of people off, but i guess its just where im at in my life right now. though i was sincere about the "im a fake, a mistake", i can see how they're also very cliche...so thanks for pointing that out. what didn't you like about the chorus? what did you think it meant?

12-19-2007, 10:34 PM
Ace Negative Creep Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Georgia Posts: 648	Just around those same lines. The chorus adds the most angst, compared to the rest of it. You could always rewrite "I'm a fake", as something like, "I'm not all I appear to be. You never know, which side you'll see." Something along those lines, but definately not the exact same way. Just get creative with the same concept. If it doesn't fly the first time, keep workin' on it. Edit: And there's nothing wrong with giving human characteristics to unanimate objects like walls, but "staring down a wall, and he's not blinking", doesn't make much sense. I actually like the concept a little bit. You could take "he" out and substitute "it". __________________ She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky http://myspace.com/euphoric_resolve

12-19-2007, 11:36 PM
Jadix infamous nimbus Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 144	i debated over to go with "it" or "he", but i felt like if the character was alone and staring at a wall as if in a staring contest, he would be in such a state as to really think the wall had a personality or was alive. I know it doesn't make sense, but thats kind of the point. Similar to "Staring at the sun, until the morning", because you cant stare at the sun during the night. Except this part of the piece is intended to show one of the character's weaknesses as being a coward or being spineless. Everything is supposed to be an admittance of weakness in a way, as well as confusion and carelessness.