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12-21-2007, 09:12 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 14
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Something Real
One of the first lyrics I've written.
Please give me pointers on how to make this better(: [Verse 1] Sitting at home, thinking of you I wish you were here tonight. I want you to know what I would do for you I just want to hold you tight. So you'll know [Verse 2] Laying in bed, I want to sleep So I can see you in my dreams. Never wanting to wake up Don't want to face reality. I wish you'd know [Chorus] Doesn't matter if it is Day or night Dark or light You will always complete me. You shine so bright All through the night You are the girl of my dreams. If I had that One chance To say how I feel I hope you Know that This is something real. [Verse 3] Texting calling talking to you Means so much to me. I want to say, I love you And hear you say it back to me. So I know [Verse 4] Looking at you, I feel different It's like nobody is around. Wanting to say the right thing So I don't feel like a clown One day you'll see [Chorus] Doesn't matter if it is Day or night Dark or light You will always complete me. You shine so bright All through the night You are the girl of my dreams. If I had that One chance To say how I feel I hope you Know that This is something real. |
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12-22-2007, 04:39 AM
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Negative Creep
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Georgia
Posts: 648
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I will try to give this a more thorough review later tonight. For right now, my best advice is to completely get rid of verse 3. I see alot of things that need improvement, and alot of things that have potential once improved.
In the meantime, read the song writing tips on this site, and make some notes for future reference.
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She said if time was in a bottle High up on her shelf She would knock it over And make the world stand still If faith was in her left hand And love was in her right She'd put them both together And raise them to the sky  |
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12-22-2007, 10:18 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 14
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Alright thanks(:
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12-23-2007, 01:01 AM
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Forget Me Not
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: In a house, at a haze, somewhere someplace
Posts: 1,068
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i actually really love this. good job. i dont have much to review about it. i can see it in a song easily.
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You said you would make like a train, so get on your tracks and blow  Quote:
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12-23-2007, 02:35 AM
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Groupie
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 14
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(: I hope I can put some chords into this and actually make it into a song haha. Just bad with making chords for lyrics:\ lol
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01-27-2008, 12:55 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 6
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Yeah I see it in a song very easily, too. Nice work
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01-31-2008, 05:32 AM
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Diskobox
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
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Very typical, I've heard identical lyrics on every any other heartbroken pop song on the radio.
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white and black, are you looking for the sun boy? the sun doesn't shine down here, no, not in the shadow |
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