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06-27-2008, 02:19 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 12
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When I See You
OK, I just joined this forum and thought I'd submit a few songs that I am currently working on to get opinions and ideas. Please feel free to criticize if necessary or give suggestions. I'm my own toughest critic and hate most of what I write but I gotta get it out or else I won't improve.
uhhh...it's only been played acoustic so far and i'm having hard time transferring it to electric. So it's soft, melodic, yadayadayada Where's The Edge when ya need him?...  I'm a refugee in an open sea I'm waiting to be saved I've got open sores and a life that's torn I'm anything but brave But there you were... But there you were... I'm a stubborn fool who can't see the truth Staring him in the face And the life I took is more'n a crook Should ever have in place But there you were... But there you were... And when I saw you I saw what I could be When I saw you I saw what I should be When I saw you everything was clean When I saw you I wasn't looking back at me Well something's wrong and I know it's gone cuz I'm staring back at me I'd close my eyes to avoid the lies but they're all that I can see But there you are... But there you are... When I see you I see what I could be When I see you I see what I should be When I see you everything is clean When I see you I'm not looking back at me For I have come to appreciate the simple things I used to hate And it's not too late to realize that believing truth is not compromise I face the fear every single day that the one I love is the one I hate Is this what it means to be a man Is this how the story ends? When I see you I see what I could be When I see you I see what I should be When I see you everything is clean When I see you do you ever see me? |
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06-27-2008, 04:57 PM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ireland
Posts: 58
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Wow they're really good. U2 an influence? I can imagine Bono singing a few of those lines!
Critique?... I'm nowhere near being an "expert" but my own opinion... I'd stay away from too many sappy lines. Just not a fan of them myself. It's been done to death by so many that they all sort of lose meaning. You steer clear of these sorta lines(even if ya do come dangerously close at some points! lol) and the verses are cool. Good work!
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Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk Last edited by Beany : 06-28-2008 at 08:40 AM. |
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06-27-2008, 09:43 PM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Eastern Massachusetts
Posts: 516
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I agree, sappy lines are dumpster. I love the beginning though.
I'm a refugee in an open sea I'm waiting to be saved I've got open sores and a life that's torn I'm anything but brave I think if you change the chorus that has all the 'When I see you I'm blah blah blah' (basically the idea of the song) you could have a great piece of work. If you focus on imagery you could make this into a solid song. |
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06-28-2008, 08:42 AM
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Music Addict
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ireland
Posts: 58
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Quote:
"When I see you, I'm not looking back at me."
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Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk |
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06-28-2008, 07:32 PM
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Groupie
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 12
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Quote:
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Linear Mode
