My Dream (dancing, rock, effect, Bell, Ching)

wolverinewolfweiselpigeon · 07-24-2008, 08:08 PM

This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think.

In my dream I am driving.
My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the
Dancing shadows of
Sun shining through autumn leaves.
Turn after turn I embrace the sun
Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain
Only to re-emerge moments later.

In my dream I am troubled.
I am happy with the wind blowing through the opened windows
Carrying my hair in its delicate gusts
But I am harried. Bothered by something,
Unsettled by its creeping presence.
I look over my shoulder to laughing passengers unknown
By voice and indistinct face.

In my dream I am weeping.
Before I can realize I’ve slipped from the road I feel
The burning of heavy tears staining my cheeks
And filling wide, searching eyes.
My friends are departed and a tight
Knot of trepidation fixes itself in my stomach,
Writhing, acidic, and intolerable.

In my dream I am dying.
A sudden realization takes over my being
That this is the end of my short mediocre life, and
Morbid as it is I am peaceful.
I watch myself fly off the edge of the green, but rocky cliff
And I am falling. Sailing on the same enjoyed wind in a
Downward spiral to the bottom.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 07-31-2008, 09:16 PM

Whoa. Goddamn. This is really detailed. Personally, I am not into poetry focused mainly on an image. That being said, I love the imagery, but as this is not my cup of tea, I can't say I loved it. But that's personal preference. This is an excellently written work.

wolverinewolfweiselpigeon · 07-31-2008, 09:47 PM

I don't usually write about this kind of poetry, but I woke up in the middle of the night and the dream was so vivid and still in my mind that I had to get it out.
Thanks for your opinion, though.
Feedback is always appreciated.

creepinson · 08-10-2008, 06:38 PM

Like PapeHurriPlanes said, the imagery was very detailed and rather beautiful and worked together well. The repetition of "in my dream" was effective too, but, and this might just be me, i think the fact that you keep reinforcing the fact that it is a dream makes it harder to get a feeling of importance from it. I mean the way you portrayed the realization of inner peace was good, and you were able to sorta communicate the impact of it on the character, whoever it may have been, but at the same time it was just a dream and because of that the implications, and therefor the degree to which we can become attached to and relate to this character and this realization seems in a way muted. Like i said though, that may just be me, and it was no doubt still very well written.

wolverinewolfweiselpigeon · 08-10-2008, 10:32 PM

That's a good point. Thank you.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

07-24-2008, 08:08 PM
wolverinewolfweiselpigeon Wrongfully Empowered Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Recently moved to California. Posts: 216	My Dream This is a poem I recently wrote about an isanely realistic dream I had. Tell me what you think. In my dream I am driving. My tires grip onto winding roads embellished by the Dancing shadows of Sun shining through autumn leaves. Turn after turn I embrace the sun Warming my face, then disappearing behind a mountain Only to re-emerge moments later. In my dream I am troubled. I am happy with the wind blowing through the opened windows Carrying my hair in its delicate gusts But I am harried. Bothered by something, Unsettled by its creeping presence. I look over my shoulder to laughing passengers unknown By voice and indistinct face. In my dream I am weeping. Before I can realize I’ve slipped from the road I feel The burning of heavy tears staining my cheeks And filling wide, searching eyes. My friends are departed and a tight Knot of trepidation fixes itself in my stomach, Writhing, acidic, and intolerable. In my dream I am dying. A sudden realization takes over my being That this is the end of my short mediocre life, and Morbid as it is I am peaceful. I watch myself fly off the edge of the green, but rocky cliff And I am falling. Sailing on the same enjoyed wind in a Downward spiral to the bottom. __________________ "Don't forget that the united states fought a war to get away from the queen of england. She wanted us to keep slaves on our tea plantations, so Harry Truman had to drop a nucular bomb. It's why the beatles broke up." I want to I want to be someone else or I'll explode Floating upon this surface for the birds The birds The birds You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing Nothing

07-31-2008, 09:47 PM
wolverinewolfweiselpigeon Wrongfully Empowered Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Recently moved to California. Posts: 216	I don't usually write about this kind of poetry, but I woke up in the middle of the night and the dream was so vivid and still in my mind that I had to get it out. Thanks for your opinion, though. Feedback is always appreciated. __________________ "Don't forget that the united states fought a war to get away from the queen of england. She wanted us to keep slaves on our tea plantations, so Harry Truman had to drop a nucular bomb. It's why the beatles broke up." I want to I want to be someone else or I'll explode Floating upon this surface for the birds The birds The birds You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing Nothing

08-10-2008, 06:38 PM
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 135	Like PapeHurriPlanes said, the imagery was very detailed and rather beautiful and worked together well. The repetition of "in my dream" was effective too, but, and this might just be me, i think the fact that you keep reinforcing the fact that it is a dream makes it harder to get a feeling of importance from it. I mean the way you portrayed the realization of inner peace was good, and you were able to sorta communicate the impact of it on the character, whoever it may have been, but at the same time it was just a dream and because of that the implications, and therefor the degree to which we can become attached to and relate to this character and this realization seems in a way muted. Like i said though, that may just be me, and it was no doubt still very well written.

08-10-2008, 10:32 PM
wolverinewolfweiselpigeon Wrongfully Empowered Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Recently moved to California. Posts: 216	That's a good point. Thank you. __________________ "Don't forget that the united states fought a war to get away from the queen of england. She wanted us to keep slaves on our tea plantations, so Harry Truman had to drop a nucular bomb. It's why the beatles broke up." I want to I want to be someone else or I'll explode Floating upon this surface for the birds The birds The birds You want me? Fucking well come and find me I'll be waiting With a gun and a pack of sandwiches And nothing Nothing