The Love DTs (Erhu, Hang)

Wifey Boozer · 08-20-2008, 07:39 PM

I know what it's like.
To hurt when you smile.
When it's 82 degree humidity,
and you're freezing fucking cold, shaking like an orgasm,
with none of the pleasure.

I know what it's like.
To step into a hot shower, a caliber of hell,
and it feels so good to burn.
Because you think you deserve it.

I know what it's like.
To hurt yourself on the outside,
to try and kill the thing on the inside.

I know what it's like.
When your heart bleeds.
For your own lost cause.

I know what it's like.
When people look at you like you're crazy,
stuck at the bottom of that well.
And you can't climb out, for your life.

I know what that's like.
Do you?

~

* second stanza edit credit to PaperHurricanes

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 08-20-2008, 08:33 PM

Both the three line stanzas are cliche and add nothing to the poem.

I'd change the first two stanzas like so:

I know what it's like.
To hurt when you smile.
When it's 82 degree humidity,
and you're freezing fucking cold,
shaking like an orgasm,
with none of the pleasure.

I know what it's like.
To step into a hot shower,
a caliber of hell,
and it feels so good to burn.
Because you think you deserve it.

Normally, fucking wouldn't go in a sentence like that, but I like how you use it and then reference orgasming right after, it works.

This is a very good poem aside from the things I mentioned.

Wifey Boozer · 08-20-2008, 08:39 PM

A like what you did with the 6 line stanzas... I agree with you about the 3 liners, but I explained that on AIM. Thanks hon :]

Wifey Boozer · 09-03-2008, 08:51 AM

^Walk around dark alleys in skid row with broken hearts left and right in a purple haze long enough ya start to become a pretty good writer.

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08-20-2008, 07:39 PM
Wifey Boozer Prime Minister of Spain Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Troy side'ah the dirt, NY Posts: 274	The Love DTs I know what it's like. To hurt when you smile. When it's 82 degree humidity, and you're freezing fucking cold, shaking like an orgasm, with none of the pleasure. I know what it's like. To step into a hot shower, a caliber of hell, and it feels so good to burn. Because you think you deserve it. I know what it's like. To hurt yourself on the outside, to try and kill the thing on the inside. I know what it's like. When your heart bleeds. For your own lost cause. I know what it's like. When people look at you like you're crazy, stuck at the bottom of that well. And you can't climb out, for your life. I know what that's like. Do you? ~ * second stanza edit credit to PaperHurricanes __________________ Circa Le Vintage: I love you. Circa Le Vintage: You pretentious bastard. Circa Le Vintage: <3 deadreligionggjb: I love you too. You pretentious cunt. deadreligionggjb: <3 Everybody knows I'm not a folk-singer. Last edited by Wifey Boozer : 08-20-2008 at 08:42 PM.

08-20-2008, 08:39 PM
Wifey Boozer Prime Minister of Spain Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Troy side'ah the dirt, NY Posts: 274	A like what you did with the 6 line stanzas... I agree with you about the 3 liners, but I explained that on AIM. Thanks hon :] __________________ Circa Le Vintage: I love you. Circa Le Vintage: You pretentious bastard. Circa Le Vintage: <3 deadreligionggjb: I love you too. You pretentious cunt. deadreligionggjb: <3 Everybody knows I'm not a folk-singer.

09-03-2008, 08:51 AM
Wifey Boozer Prime Minister of Spain Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Troy side'ah the dirt, NY Posts: 274	^Walk around dark alleys in skid row with broken hearts left and right in a purple haze long enough ya start to become a pretty good writer. __________________ Circa Le Vintage: I love you. Circa Le Vintage: You pretentious bastard. Circa Le Vintage: <3 deadreligionggjb: I love you too. You pretentious cunt. deadreligionggjb: <3 Everybody knows I'm not a folk-singer.