Berringer

This is a piece I wrote back in 2004. Thought I'd share it here and garner some opinions.



Crystal clear visions through prisms of time,
Burn holes through the souls of the vicious and blind.
Morose turns the key in the door of the veins,
As the light permeates the cobwebs of my brain.

Seeking shelter I turn to the woods and the hills.
There's solace to be found in the drink and the pills.
Drowned under waves turned electric and blue.
Buried like kings in their golden throne rooms.

Rest for the wretched's a joke for a fool,
Who believes that his will is the world's only tool.
Turning on the axis of a pendulum's swing,
Awaiting the slumber the reaper could bring.

In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.

Torn and tormented by diseases I've drawn,
From the corpses of memories departed and gone.
Hung in the garden by a rope made of dreams.
If you listen closely you can still hear my screams.

In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.

I will be hated and fated by few.
Born on the wings of the dust I have strewn.
I will be fetted and netted to kill.
Death at the toes of my own mortal shell.

In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.
In walked a man who held life in his hands.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

The first stanza is amazing. Really, aside from the last stanza this is pretty good, but the rhyming is terrible, for the most part. The first stanza had some good rhyming. But for the most part the rhyming gets in the way of the poem. Also, you repeat In walked a man who held life in his hands too much. Also, I am not sure of the meaning on this poem, so you should work on it. This is quite well done, for the most part though. Worth continuing.

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Thrice

I like it alot. Cool rhyme schemes.

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Berringer

I should have been more clear in one respect: this isn't a poem, it's a song. That's why the title of the piece is repeated so often in its structure; that would be the chorus of the piece. The last stanza is a bit difficult when compared to the others (at the time, it was the only version I wrote which halfway fit the theme). Musically, it's supposed to be a bridging sequence between the main part of the song and an instrumental section before the final fading chorus. I envision the piece to run around eleven minutes long in a hard rock/progressive format. Something that maybe the pairing of Ayreon (circa 1998) and Iron Maiden (circa 1984) would come up with.

As for the meaning itself, the song focuses on a serial killer with mental disorders. He didn't fully realize what he was capable of in the beginning (the man who held life in his hands). His past sins finally shatter his ignorance and he closes himself off from the world, sort of seals himself in a woodland tomb. There, his inner demons haunt him until he ultimately commits suicide trying to escape the mental anguish.

I want to thank you for taking the time to review the piece, by the way. I've often thought about taking stabs at it again but I've been trying to move away from the really dark material I was writing I few years ago. Unfortunately the lighter side of my being hasn't been nearly as interesting.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

That's the tragedy of writing, lol. Happy stuff tends to bore. Regardless of it being a poem or a song, I think the repetition of one line over and over is still too much. I understand the need for a chorus, but it shouldn't be one line sung four times. Also, the meaning that you had intended....none of that got even close to my brain. So I'd revamp it with some more concrete references so people understand what you're saying.

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I said: I'm fucking the Prime Minister Of Spain.

Berringer

Fyrenza

i think you're right paper

in walked a man who held life in his hands

(a diff line) he'd travelled a bit throughout the lands

in walked a man who held life in his hands

(a diff line from the diff line, that rhymes) and he sucked it down like bogs of quicksands

i suck as a poet
but you get the idea

damns
lands
mans (?)
sands
stands

Fyrenza

oh

and i like the lyrics!

i didn't get a serial killer feel from the song

but more of a tormented past rising to overwhelm the subject

(which could well describe a sadistic murderer who is brought to the realization of what he's done)

but i thought that was great the way you did it --

my own past was allowed to fill in the blanks

Berringer

To tell you the truth, I never thought of the ambiguity the piece could deliver like that. Certainly wasn't intentional but I'm very glad you could take something from the song, Fyrenza.

FaSho

i thought it was really great one of the best ive seen on this forum in awhile

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and when you write a poem
i know the words
i know the sounds
before you write it down
only wear your clothes
i wear them too
i wear your shoes
and your jacket too
i always knew you