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Old 07-07-2009, 10:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm trying to get my song lyrics noticed. Please tell me what you think. Thank you:)

Song title: This Feeling.

Why does everything seem so difficult? Why do things have to be so hard? Can't we just fall in love and get it over with? Please stop playing with my heart..
(verse 1)
I want you to know, the feeling I get when I'm around you.
I want you to see, the real me, not the one hiding.
But it always seems so hard, to be myself when I'm around you now. Yeah...
(chorus)
Heart racing, as fast as the light.
Face turning, as red as a rose.
Voice shaking, this can't be right.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
(verse 2)
It's so hard to see, if you feel the same way I feel about you.
Can you tell me now? I can't wait any longer.
Why don't you show, the same emotions I show around you?
Does that mean..something else? I need to know...
(chorus)
Heart racing, as fast as the light.
Face turning, as red as a rose.
Voice shaking, this can't be right.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
Hands trembling, as you go to reach for them.
Mind telling, me not to move.
I wanna stay here, forever and ever.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?

And why...does it only happen with you?
If it's just a crush, why haven't I felt this way before?
I can't take it, much longer. I need a sign, I need some hope.
I need someone, to tell me, not to give up, no....
(chorus)
Heart racing, as fast as the light.
Face turning, as red as a rose.
Voice shaking, this can't be right.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
Hands trembling, as you go to reach for them.
Mind telling, me not to move.
I wanna stay here, forever and ever.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
.............
Here you are, sitting right next to me.
I feel the feeling, coming on.
I wanna tell you oh so badly,
but how do I tell you what I don't even know?
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Old 07-08-2009, 12:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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pretty good. keep working on it. take a look at my song.
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Old 07-14-2009, 12:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Ashleygrl990,
I feel your song, which is very sweet, accurately describes what it is like when you first start having strong romantic feelings for someone but it is all so new that the feelings catch you by surprise, you fear rejection, fear something will go wrong, and don't know whether these feelings (in-love feelings) are returned. Feeling this way is exciting and also makes you feel kind of sick, if I recall correctly!

Like you write, this stage of a potential relationship can/does seem difficult...and a little funny when you look back from the future time in which you see the person (with whom you've been involved for years), and greet that person with a casual, "Hey, how's it going. Say, would you please, please, PLEASE not leave your knives with sticky cherry jelly on them at the edge of the sink? It just gets the counter all dirty! Put them IN the sink, IN the sink, IN the sink!" And then your beloved says, "Arggh! I keep forgetting!" and you respond charitably, "You are forgiven. I love you anyway. Oh, and by the way, 'Hi, honey, I'm home.'"

Cherry jelly gripes may not make such an exciting relationship song topic as the topic of your song, but it is interesting to see how different the different times in a relationship can be, and your song reminds me of that! (Actually, now I am inspired to write a cherry jelly song!)

Looking at the structure of your song, I feel that the length seems very good for the subject matter. I have a suggestion about your use of the word "turning" in your chorus:
Quote:
Heart racing, as fast as the light.
Face turning, as red as a rose.
Voice shaking, this can't be right.
What is this feeling? Does anyone know?
Since turning can have two meanings, the motion of turning (as in looking in a different direction) and the change in quality (in this case, color), do you prefer to use a word that has two meanings, or would you prefer to use a word such as "flushing" or "blushing" that suggests a slower transition and when combined with "face" probably only has one translation (change of color), as in "face flushing as red as a rose." I feel that if you use a word like "turning" that has two meanings it takes just a little longer for the listener to comprehend the meaning (which isn't bad...it is just what I see as an effect).

I also have a question about your use of commas throughout the song. Are you using them to designate pauses in the singing, even though they are not needed for grammatical purposes? For example, "Face turning as red as a rose" is what you would say if you want the face color to be changing. Because of where you have placed the comma in "Face turning, as red as a rose," this line suggests that the person is turning her face in some new direction and that the face is as red as a rose. I don't think this direction change is what you mean, so I would recommend removing this comma, as well as in lines such as "Mind telling, me not to move."

I hope this helps!

--Erica

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-14-2009 at 09:53 AM.
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Old 07-14-2009, 03:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you very much for the advice and how you feel about the song I really appreciate it, and it definitely helped!
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Old 07-20-2009, 12:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I like that you're not afraid to NOT rhyme all the time... seems like most beginning songwriters think they have to rhyme every other line. Good luck!
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Old 07-27-2009, 08:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I made a song similar to this, except is was more of a musical song than a lyrical song. I like this a lot. I hope you can write some good music to this.
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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good
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Old 03-22-2010, 07:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I actually don't like the lyrics... they don't really go anywhere, besides wallowing in your own self doubt and telling us how great your love is. perhaps compress lyrical content so you don't seem such a martyr, or get over it and tell this person how much you like them so you have something to propel the song itself (or even explore and explain through the song why you're so scared, or something.)
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Old 03-23-2010, 05:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brykupono View Post
I like that you're not afraid to NOT rhyme all the time... seems like most beginning songwriters think they have to rhyme every other line. Good luck!
Lol that's exactly my problem but I'm learning.
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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theyr a little predictable but it flows nicely. i guess it depends what kindv music your doing.
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