jackhammer

I am not a songwriter or a poet. I am just a normal guy trying to get on in the world but I do write down some thoughts of mine from time to time. I profer these to you not neccessarily for judgement. Moreso an online database to keep my thoughts in one place.

You know when you are young and the world seems infinitely bright with possibities? You don’t really take any notice of the future and the ramifications that your current actions may have. You are invincible both physically and mentally un-****ing-touchable. Infallible . Of course with hindsight, it is easy to admit this folly but at that time you are unwavering in your choices that you have made. Strange how that when your mind becomes ever stronger, your body becomes ever weaker. The error of your ways is easily spotted. Almost lazily spotted yet that makes it even less palatable.

All choices are made with the very best intentions but even then they are clouded by unseen forces: Societal doctrine. Moral obligations and civil acceptance. On closer inspection maybe everyone else is wrong and I am maybe right in my hesitancy? I should have listened to my own heart even if I may have hurt people. Better at this stage than at a much more advanced stage..

Now I find myself drawn to the very thing that I was searching for in the first place, yet I settled for a much more diluted version of it to appease others and social etiquette. Falling in love is a twisted and crooked path. You know exactly why you have fallen in love and your passion and ardour is spiked with genuine love and want. However because of your earlier folly the path is spiked with thorns. Completely unfair of course but a part of life’s rich tapestry that revels in throwing guilt at the door of the hardiest and most deserving of those that feel they deserve it.

Guilt is a horrible, horrible word that wears down on the heart like a cloak of the heaviest substance that somehow permeates it’s vast black space all over oneself. Why am I subjecting myself to this inner torment when I have found what I am looking for? Do we as a species secretly implore misery to be a friend? To experience highs we long for the lows?

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jackhammer

To be continued...

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cardboard adolescent

i always worry when people say things like "when you're young the world looks bright and full of possibilities." i'm young, and the world looks to me like it just wants to suck the youth out of me and pressure me into becoming some template so that things stay just as they are. this is supposed to be "the time of my life," and i can't really find anything better to do than sit by myself and read. i probably just need to get laid.

still, though, i'm part of a generation where even "it's all been done before" has become a cliche. is all we have to look forward to the slow decay of our bodies? bah, i'd rather do something stupid and reckless with my life.

Astronomer

Reading this made me a little sad. I'm not sure why. Maybe, like cardboard adolescent said, it tells me that all I have to look forward to is regret and the slow decay of my body.

I really like how you ended with a series of questions. I would be interested as to how you, or anyone else, would answer these.

Keep writing, I look forward to reading whatever else you have to say.

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jackhammer

Life is still bright and full of rewards and good memories even as you get older. I didn't mean to paint a negative picture of older age at all. It's just a default reaction to look back on the past even though it means you are not living in the present which is a strange thing to do.

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VEGANGELICA

Hi, Jackhammer,
These lines are ones I particularly relate to, and I agree with you that growing older is actually very nice because you gain perspective and have many more memories to correlate and think about (although life *still* seems just as short to me now as it did when I was 18).

Though not all people follow the path of having numerous relationships, when one *does* have a series of relationships that go for several years and end, for example...one picks up a lot of baggage to sort through...and ultimately all this does affect the relationship one is eventually in long-term (if one is in such a relationship)...not always for the better (the thorns you mention). Sometimes I have wished that the first person with whom I fell in love would have been the last person...but, on the other hand, a lot of practice with relationships working/failing helps you figure out more about what makes a relationship work longterm. And, I always remember that I loved those people...and still do. Even if that is in the past, it is still meaningful.

Guilt is hard to deal with, too...much easier if there is an opportunity to appologize to the person one feels one has wronged, and talk about it. When I've had a chance to do that (such as with x-significant others with whom I reconnect), it is very nice...nice to become friends again and accept each other's apologies now that you are removed from the problem.
--Erica