First In A While ((Untitled))

aveneficus · 10-01-2009, 06:38 PM

Dirt clothes the floor -
dust erupts beneath naked feet
building colonies in wrinkled valleys.

Light, reflective - mirrored,
mimicing and blinding;
disguised by clouded corneas.

Disease, infiltration - collapse:
of our Lungs, of our Buildings,
of our roles as Drones.

And a Chair, to rest - to forget
the hatred bred in our gardens;
and dreams that we have killed.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to criticize. If you want, leave a link to something of yours and I'd be happy to give my feedback.

AwwSugar · 10-01-2009, 06:51 PM

I like it.

The first verse doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, though.

Nicktarist · 10-01-2009, 08:07 PM

Eh, I'm not inspired by it. It's not bad, nor would it tear down a musically good song in any way, but it just lacks something that I can't place this time around.

peace out,
-nick

AwwSugar · 10-02-2009, 04:14 PM

It's better than some of the other stuff around here, though.

I think it HAS something I can't quite place my finger on.

Nicktarist · 10-03-2009, 08:40 AM

Quote:

It's better than some of the other stuff around here, though.

Yes, but that's not a fair comparison. Anybody can write something and say it's better than everything else on this forum. That's like telling the writer he's better at guitar than a four year old. You compare their lyrics to those who manage to write them for a living, not the other way around.

And, in comparison to those that do write (well) for a living, it's lacking original rhetoric.

thank you,
-nick

AwwSugar · 10-03-2009, 01:18 PM

I think something it's lacking is an actual theme.

But I think it's pretty good.

violalady · 10-18-2009, 11:56 AM

i liked it, overall. the tone of the piece made me feel as if it should have some earth-shattering hidden meaning behind it. i think it'd be easier to understand and like if we knew what that secret meaning is. then again, maybe the ambiguity is intentional, and we're supposed to either figure it out ourselves, or just appreciate it for it's existance, and from where it stemmed from. like i said, i liked it. i think i would like it more if i knew where you were coming from, but i still like it even though i don't.
also- i loved the imagery and your choice of words. very nice. (:

10-01-2009, 06:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
aveneficus Groupie Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 44	First In A While ((Untitled)) Dirt clothes the floor - dust erupts beneath naked feet building colonies in wrinkled valleys. Light, reflective - mirrored, mimicing and blinding; disguised by clouded corneas. Disease, infiltration - collapse: of our Lungs, of our Buildings, of our roles as Drones. And a Chair, to rest - to forget the hatred bred in our gardens; and dreams that we have killed. Thanks for reading and please feel free to criticize. If you want, leave a link to something of yours and I'd be happy to give my feedback. __________________ If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts

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10-18-2009, 11:56 AM	#7 (permalink)
violalady Groupie Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2	i liked it, overall. the tone of the piece made me feel as if it should have some earth-shattering hidden meaning behind it. i think it'd be easier to understand and like if we knew what that secret meaning is. then again, maybe the ambiguity is intentional, and we're supposed to either figure it out ourselves, or just appreciate it for it's existance, and from where it stemmed from. like i said, i liked it. i think i would like it more if i knew where you were coming from, but i still like it even though i don't. also- i loved the imagery and your choice of words. very nice. (: