KyleSingsToYou

I'd appreciate some constructive criticism. If you think something doesn't work, let me know. Thanks.
Keep in mind, it's not finished and when I get a chance I'll add more.


I'm just a man filled with these words,
dying to be read,
dying to be heard.
All that I wish,
and all that I want,
is happiness, happiness, happiness.
But my past comes around and,
reminds me of who I am
An empty shell of a person
A hollowed out man
And maybe God can forgive
All that I did,
and all that I've done wrong,
I'm sure an omnipotent being
can forgive for a song.

KyleSingsToYou

No one? :/

bizonapage

Hello Kyle, where are the lyrics taking us? Are you looking to portray hope at the end of it?

VEGANGELICA

Hi KyleSingsToYou,

First, welcome to MB. And also welcome to you, bizonapage! I notice both of you have yet to introduce yourselves down in the introduction (community) thread. I didn't notice the introductions thread for several weeks after I joined, so I thought I would point it out to you...it is a good way to introduce yourselves to the whole MB community.

KyleSingsToYou, I enjoy the feeling of your song (under works), probably because I can relate to yearning for happiness that sometimes seems unobtainable because of one's own feelings of unworthiness or guilt.

I noticed some contrasts within the song that you may wish to consider. For example, the "hollowed" out man is nevertheless filled with words...so perhaps is not so hollow after all? Also, the song says, "maybe God can forgive," yet two lines down from it, "I'm sure an omnipotent being can forgive for a song." So, the song seems to be describing opposites (filled vs. hollow; unsure vs. sure), which is interesting.

Have you considered perhaps using "hoping" instead of "dying" in lines 2 and 3? "Dying" sounds desperate and melodramatic...not that one can't feel or wish for something so strongly that one feels this way.

Are the words filling the singer actually the song itself, which appears to express the fact that the singer is trying to overcome the troubled past and find happiness, and feels the potential is there for this to occur? (In answer to the previous post, I, for one, feel as if the song is heading in a hopeful direction).

Another thought I had while reading is about the religious views expressed in the song. The person described in the song appears to have a religious view that a god gives forgiveness only for certain actions (such as creation of a beautiful song), and that forgiveness is needed for the person to feel at ease. I wondered, if there were/is such a forgiving god, would the god require a song (of remorse) to bestow forgiveness?

I tried reading the song, feeling its flow, without the following line (in bold), and felt it could be omitted to create more flow without changing the meaning:

So, this could become:
"And maybe God can forgive
all that I've done wrong.
I'm sure an omnipotent being
can forgive for a song."

"Omnipotent" seems like a very technical word compared to the other words in the song. Other options might be "all-powerful" or "supreme."

Finally, the song makes me wonder just what the person did in his past that was so awful that it haunts him!

--Erica

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KyleSingsToYou

Thanks, VEGANGELICA. I read this last night and it sent me into a writing fit. I've switched the lyrics around a bit, using your suggestions. I'm still working on it though, as I'm not happy with the sound... but I shall post the lyrics in full in or around 2 days.

Thanks again, it really helped me.

VEGANGELICA

You are very welcome, KyleSingsToYou. I'm glad that reading what I wrote sent you into a writing fit! Having had those myself, I know they are fun.

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Nicktarist

The main difference between poetry and lyrics are generally that lyrics focus more on repetition. I'd encourage you to repeat phrases, but the trick of it is not to repeat a line as obvious as this one. Saying it once should have enough impact.

The idea is to take a phrase that isn't exactly obvious--one that sort of reveals itself after the repetition. You do have the freedom to repeat whatever you want, but you have to have the right touch to do so.

peace,
-nick

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VEGANGELICA

Hi Nick and KyleSingsToYou,

I agree that many songs use repetition, such as of a whole stanza, probably because it makes songs easier to remember (for those listening), and because it emphasizes the most important point of the song.

However, I will offer a different opinion than Nick's about the "happiness, happiness, happiness" line you use, KyleSingsToYou. If that line hasn't been used in another song already, then I actually like the repetition of the word "happiness" because it *is* what I'd expect someone to say when feeling very happy. I feel the repetition emphasizes how expansive the feeling of happiness can be when one has that feeling in life...it spreads into one's views on everything.

--Erica

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bizonapage

I look forward to reading the sequel.

Also, Vegangelica,
Thanks for the welcome, will work my way to the introduction (community) thread soon.