APCTOOL91

So I know I have this song in another thread but here it is as it appears in my Song Journal thingy.

"What Have I Become?"

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
A slave again to my countless dependencies
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In this Hell I have become

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle once more

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Lose all of these fake, mirrored images

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead God save me from myself
Strike me down,
Because I cannot be set free
I don’t wanna be a burden anymore

__________________

"Phew I'm glad we came to our senses and worship a 2,000 year old carpenter."

APCTOOL91

"Euphoric"

I can feel myself drifting away
Its a feelin' I never get tired of
Even though the rope begins to break
The line between life and death is still there

Don't fret I'll see you soon enough
The bullet can take me home
Steel just takes too long
And gravity isn't so reliable these days

Its these flashbulb memories
That make me wanna go
So euphoric
In these chains

I will not stop 'til I decide
Its my own choice
Don't you try
To push yours on me

And I love it
When this starts to hurt
And I love it
When it kills a part of me

So euphoric
When I start to fade away
I'm something new everyday
You can recognize me

And I love it
When I start to die
And I love it
When I feel so far away

Its so damn euphoric...

__________________

"Phew I'm glad we came to our senses and worship a 2,000 year old carpenter."

APCTOOL91

They said to me
Nail him on the cross
They said to me
He should be a martyr for your sins

I say why do I have to believe you?
Don’t you push that on me!
What have I ever done to you?
Yeah, that’s right I didn’t think so

So then they decided to label me
A heretic in a sea of fools
This propaganda is killing me
Why doesn’t it seem to do the same to you?

Religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure
Open up your mind
And you’ll find what’s soon in store

So they dragged me to the river
And they washed me in my blood
Destroyed what I had left inside of me
But they couldn’t take it all away

I stood up in defiance
And shoved that cross down their throats
And I said I don’t believe in God
So why do you want me to?

And religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure

__________________

"Phew I'm glad we came to our senses and worship a 2,000 year old carpenter."

OceanAndSilence

i'm curious... the first post and the third seem to have conflicting ideals. are you devoutly religious and have doubt in your faith?

APCTOOL91

The first song is when I was a decently religious person, but after I had some experiences I became an atheist so the third song is my viewpoints now.

__________________

"Phew I'm glad we came to our senses and worship a 2,000 year old carpenter."

VEGANGELICA

Hi again APCTOOL91,

"Euphoric" is a sad song about self-destruction. I have several questions about the meaning. When you write, "Even though the rope begins to break The line between life and death is still there," is there a period between "break" and "The line?" If it is one sentence, then I start to wonder if the second half should say that it feels like the line between life and death *isn't* there, since that is part of what creates the sense of euphoria for the speaker.

Also, who is the person being addressed...the person who shouldn't fret? This person would be dead, I assume, and the mention of him/her made me wonder about the specifics. I start to want to look for some clue in the rest of the song about who is being addressed, but couldn't find any.

When you write that the bullet can take the singer home (kill him), but steel is too slow, do you mean the steel of the bullet or of some other weapon? I assume steel = knife. Also, have you considered describing more what the "flashbulb" memories are that make the person want to kill himself? When you mention them in the song I become curious to know more about why dying seems more euphoric to the singer than staying alive.

One final question: when you write "Its [it's] so damn euphoric," are you using damn in a negative way or positive? That is, is the singer angry a little at the euphoria, or just overwhelmed by how good it feels?

The final three stanzas do a good job describing the feeling of euphoria, I feel. The fact that you use 4 line stanzas gives some order to the song, and I do see some rhyming in there that holds it together. I noticed "away" used 3 times...which actually didn't stand out too much to me while reading, but whenever I see a word used frequently I usually want to make sure there isn't some other phrasing that would work just as well. The repetition of "And I love it" makes the lyrics sound like a song more than a poem. They give more of a "building" or crescendo feeling to the end of the song than I think you would get if you just kept using free verse without repetition.

Now, on to your next song about religious pressuring. As an atheist, I certainly have sometimes felt like the person described in this song! I've put feedback in bold below:

I feel songs about that transition (religious to atheist) would be very interesting...what it felt like, for example...because I never had to make this transition. The song above describes the aftermath. Was it even harder during the realization that you didn't feel there was any god?

APCTOOL91, I recommend you ask a moderator, maybe Toretorden, to merge your two threads so that all your works are in this one thread, which would help readers see the flow of your writing (as it changes from piece to piece and in revisions). Also, it's a rule to have just one song-writing thread per person, though I don't know how often it is enforced ! An advantage for you of keeping everything in one thread is that it may increase the number of views your thread gets, and thus increases the chance of feedback, because I think most people gravitate toward threads that already have a lot of views.

--Erica

__________________

APCTOOL91

I'm still rewriting the songs but I've been working on a song for about a week and just have this so far but I would like to hear any feedback!

Born in the graves
Of many lost men
Victim of the shockwaves
That threw to the city

Walked through her journey
Alone and brave
Although dark blinded her
She never strayed

Saw many of sins
War and the unpure
But she was the light
That kept it all going

A push then a shove
A spoken silence
Shelter the graves
Of the innocent

__________________

"Phew I'm glad we came to our senses and worship a 2,000 year old carpenter."