cobra radio (memory, song, suicide)

suckmykissbassist · 06-17-2005, 03:13 PM

Hear the snake as it prepares to bite
hear the hiss as it strikes
the venom flowing through my veins
reminding me of early pains

Just the thought of you
drives me to the point
i wanna get the venom
snapping through the generic joint

The fangs sinking in my hand
the scales flaring, the venom is bland

Another attempt
another miscarry
another thought
another hail marry

riseagainstrocks · 06-17-2005, 03:38 PM

I'm sorry but this is just bad.

Not only are some words spelled wrong (marry), but the rhyming is trite and forced.

The idea is there but the words aren't

suckmykissbassist · 06-17-2005, 04:38 PM

you got any ideas how to make it better?

riseagainstrocks · 06-17-2005, 08:03 PM

i'm feeling nice so I'll make suggestions

Hear the snake as it prepares to bite see the snake as it rears to strike
hear the hiss as it strikes hear the hiss as it makes its bite
the venom flowing through my veins the venom flowing through my veins
reminding me of early pains brings back the haunted memory of your face...

The fangs sinking in my hand the fangs sink deeper in my hand
the scales flaring, the venom is bland the scales crimson, death's whispered demand

Another attempt Another attempt
another miscarry another termination
another thought another glance
another hail marry another devestation

yeah, I completely ****ed that up. But it's better than what you had

1. Use big words, but not too big. Make the language poetic and flowy
2. No more suicide refrences
3. No more death/dying refrences (there are exceptions. very few exceptions)
4. never ever use the word posion when talking about how someone's words felt to you.

if you follow those you won't write a Used song.

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06-17-2005, 03:13 PM
suckmykissbassist Groupie Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3	cobra radio Hear the snake as it prepares to bite hear the hiss as it strikes the venom flowing through my veins reminding me of early pains Just the thought of you drives me to the point i wanna get the venom snapping through the generic joint The fangs sinking in my hand the scales flaring, the venom is bland Another attempt another miscarry another thought another hail marry

06-17-2005, 03:38 PM
riseagainstrocks Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: JMU Posts: 3,151	I'm sorry but this is just bad. Not only are some words spelled wrong (marry), but the rhyming is trite and forced. The idea is there but the words aren't __________________ www.siegemusic.blogspot.com One note timeless, came out of nowhere...

06-17-2005, 04:38 PM
suckmykissbassist Groupie Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3	you got any ideas how to make it better?

06-17-2005, 08:03 PM
riseagainstrocks Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: JMU Posts: 3,151	i'm feeling nice so I'll make suggestions Hear the snake as it prepares to bite see the snake as it rears to strike hear the hiss as it strikes hear the hiss as it makes its bite the venom flowing through my veins the venom flowing through my veins reminding me of early pains brings back the haunted memory of your face... The fangs sinking in my hand the fangs sink deeper in my hand the scales flaring, the venom is bland the scales crimson, death's whispered demand Another attempt Another attempt another miscarry another termination another thought another glance another hail marry another devestation yeah, I completely ****ed that up. But it's better than what you had 1. Use big words, but not too big. Make the language poetic and flowy 2. No more suicide refrences 3. No more death/dying refrences (there are exceptions. very few exceptions) 4. never ever use the word posion when talking about how someone's words felt to you. if you follow those you won't write a Used song. __________________ www.siegemusic.blogspot.com One note timeless, came out of nowhere...