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Maybe I can keep this one
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well it has potential. You need to realise that rhyming (especially monosylabic words like you did here) can trivialize a song immensly, and with an already trivial subject matter, you don't want that.
Raindogs Recommendation: Take the rhymes out and make this a 12 bar blues song. Try to detail that hard decision between choosing food or a woman. Or make him long for food when he's with the woman. Then my fiend, you have a song.
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“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine” “No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson |
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