Skuroccer9

Feedback greatly appreciated. I mean greatly. Like if you read this I'd reaaaaaaaaaaaallly prefer feedback. Like even just a poll vote. BTW there's a multi-choice on the poll.

Two Songs:
First one is titled "South Jersey", country genre
Second is titled "My Own Skin", love(?) genre

Here they are, let me know what you think!

South Jersey

Way down far where nobody knows
There’s a place of fun where the sun always glows
The waves are big and glassy
The people not too classy
And I'll always find my summer girl and all of my bros

Its summertime up in south jersey
That’s right
The greatest pleasure always finds me
Perfect and tight
Summertime up in south jersey
It’s true
I’m here up in jersey girls but just where are you?

Skating up, sliding down
Biking all around the town
Beaches and stars around at night
Bitches in sand getting in fights
Going to the surf club
Teen nights and teepees subs
Finding peace and living right
2nd verse done, so sit tight!


Its summertime up in south jersey
That’s right
The greatest pleasure always finds me
Perfect and tight
Summertime up in south jersey
It’s true
I’m here up in jersey girls but just where are you?

Playing, surfing, chilling in Maui
Listening, jamming, rocking near Cali
All these sight that I can see
But nothing comes damn near south jersey

Summertime, in south jersey
Where the greatest pleasure always finds me
South jersey skies always bright and blue
I'm here why aren’t you here too?

My Own Skin

I'm flying solo out here
It's cold and I don't no where to go
I'm looking for some light to guide me
A path that just won't show
Looking for the answers
Of what had taken me back
Trying to find out how
Looking for what I did lack

Wondering what I did wrong
I closed up and wouldn’t let you in
So scared of getting too close
I was trying to save my own skin
But I want to be weak and with you
Expose what I have kept within
Truly be just right for you
Don’t care about saving my own skin

Just wanting to hold you
Wanting to hold you tight
But what we hold on to too strongly
Ends up leaving and taking flight
I found if you let things go
Let them go, to be true
They grow and become better
And just might come back to you

Wondering what I did wrong
I closed up and wouldn’t let you in
So scared of getting too close
I was trying to save my own skin
But I want to be weak and with you
Expose what I have kept with in
Truly be just right for you
Don’t care about saving my own skin

I can’t take my mind off of you
I think of you all the time
Nothing could be more important
Than how you make me feel sublime
So I won’t hold back because I’m afraid
Won’t say anything I’ll regret
I’ll just tell you just how I feel
So baby don’t forget

I know now just what I did wrong
Closing up not letting you in
But I don’t care at all now
Don’t care about my own skin
I’m exposing myself to be with you
Just genuine and true
As long as you know how I feel
Because……I love you

Thanks for reading.

-Will

Again, as Amateur as I am, I would greatly appreciate feedback

Skuroccer9

I mean it would really help if you guys commented.
Sorry for the repetetiveness, but 5 views and no comments? Please comment. And on the songs, that is.

TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

I can't express this enough, Rhyming sucks...alot. And if you're going to rhyme, lets go beyond monosylabic words.

Songs are esentially poetry. I once had a poetry professor tell me that you're are supposed to put a ton of time into your poem till it looks like it just flowed from your mouth. However if it looks like it was effortless because it was, then people aren't impressed. Dr. Suess was only good because he wrote about morals and he made words up. Had no written about what he had for breakfast and used everyday 10 cents words, it would ahve been crap.

Pleas pleas please do not rhyme things like "knows, glows, bros"

Im not being a **** here, this is essentially packaging your song for a 1 week radioplay at best.

__________________
“The night falls gracefully for those who have a love to call their own. But alas, for those to whom love has turned a blind eye – love, it falls like a guillotine”

“No more waiting for fate to befall me, no. I have my dreamboat, and together we will find our destiny, choose our ladder to the sky” - Markus Pierson

KOking

the first song was alright but im not into the depressed sounding songs

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