Hello! My name is Mister Snrub, and I come from ... some place far away. I've been asked to ... what? No I am not! Who is he? No, no, different chap altogether I do assure you, though he sounds like a fine fellow. What? He is? Why, I won't just sit here and listen to you impugn my good name - I mean, his good name –
Hist! Smithers! The disguise is not fooling them! Well, why not? I wore the fake moustache, didn't I? I even cleverly rearranged the alphabetical characteristics of my nomenclature to throw these Eddie Punchclocks off! How can they know ... I see ... Well, in that case ...
Hah! I am not, as you were so completely convinced I was, the harmless Mister Snrub after all! No, no! I am
Charles Montgomery Burns, and unlike poor Ned Flanders – who has been, shall we say,
unavoidably detained? - BWA HAHA! - I do NOT bring you love and peace and neighbourly greetings, but fire, pestilence and ... and ...
HIST! Smithers! What's the other one? I always get the last one confused. Is it death or woe? Or famine? Blast these metaphors! I see. Very well.
I bring you fire, pestilence and either death or woe, I can't remember which, but I bring it! Oh yes, I can assure you, things will be changing around here now that I'm in charge! What's that you say? Trollheart will be back soon? Well of
course he will. After all, it's not as if I laid a
trap for him with a sign saying “Free Marillion albums” and then pushed him into a crate and sent it on a slow boat to The Dark Continent, now is it? BWA HA HA! What? Oh, for the love of – all right Smithers: YOU laid a trap for him and pushed him into the ... yes. Yes, indeed.
I had nothing to do with it. Innocent party. I mean, look at me, I'm an old man. I could hardly push a healthy young ... what? He's one step removed from a skeleton? Hah! Well then I have one over on him!
Anyway, for today at least I am in charge, so I'll keep this short:
Friends.
Family.
Religion.
These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to be a successful journal author. Don't tell me that you haven't time: make time! If you're not writing for twenty hours a day on every subject under the sun, then you're not trying hard enough! Bah! Lollygaggers! Jackanapes! Fooswagglers! I should fire you all! What? They don't work for me? Blast it!
Very well then: what you need to know: the three R's. Republicanism! Riches! And, er, and, um ... Smithers? Rhodium? What the blazes – a nuclear element? I don't think so, my old friend. Well, now, we'll just see about that, won't we? Fetch the ninth volume of the
Encyclopaedia Britannica down from the shelf. No, not that one: that's my original, first-edition copy of the
Necronomicon, signed by Satan. No, Smithers: that's the unedited version of the Bible, with all the good bits left in. Oh for Pete's sake! Isn't it obvious those are the unsold copies of my autobiography,
Will there ever be a rainbow? Yes, all of them! Gaah! Blast your hide to Hades! Finally! Now, let's see... what? Well if you can think of a better way to look something up I'd like to hear it, professor science! What? Wiki-what? Oh no: I don't intend to go near anything that sounds like it was put together by a bunch of nig- AH! Here we are. Well I'll be darned: I owe you a Coke!
What's that you say, young fellow? Get on with it, old man? You've just made a powerful enemy, my friend! Oh very well: me, me, me, I need all the attention just because it's
my journal. Let's see what illierate scrawls you forum monkeys have been defacing the walls around here with, shall we?
What in blue blazes?? It looks like apart from goody two-shoes Trollheart, only three of you have contributed this week! THREE! Pah! It's hardly worthy my time even reading – what? Contractual what? Well who wrote up that contract? I see. Well, you can tell them I'll see them in court. If these cataracts ever clear up. Oh for the love of Peter! Let's get this over with shall we? Employees don't just fire themselves, you know!
First up we have
innerspaceboy. Oh, now
there's a clever name!
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...nnerspace.html eh? Well I hate to break it to you,
spaceboy, but if it's space
there is no sound! Duh! Suppose we can look and see ... ah. Bob Moog! I remember telling him his infernal electrical piano would never work. He wanted me to bankroll it, can you believe – what? It did? Well, blast his hide to Hades!!! The Manhattan Research Inc. Yes, more about the making of the atom bomb, eh? My old pal, Herr Hitler was not so happy about that one. Mind you, even less happy was the Emperor, whose reaction was something along the lines of “Oh no! Big American bomb! Holy fu-” What? I can't? Why the blazes not? Oh very well. He said (sigh) “Holy fiddlesticks!” What else is this cranially-challenged quill-monkey dribbling on about? Salvador Dali, eh? Yes, yes, that reminds me, I should really return this moustache to him. well, to his coffin, of course. All in all, I grudgingly accept, this is quite an engaging read, which I'm sure everyone will enjoy when they read it. I SAID, EVERYONE will enjoy WHEN they read it, not IF! That means you there, you organ bag! Bah! Moving on...
Oh yes, by all means let's spend time at
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...is-arcade.html! You know the sort of place: screen door hanging off the hinges, the smell of smoke in the air, crumpled
Buzz Cola cans littering the ground, mangy dogs staggering around looking in vain for a place to die ... BAH! This chair moistener has led me to a dead end, with but a single comment in his journal! Curses! Smithers, have John Romero killed! I SAID, have ...
At least
Neapolitan seems to be working, unlike the rest of you wage worms! HE has THREE journals, and while that's only a drop in the ocean of Trollheart's workload, nobody likes Trollheart anyway, do they, so you know, fu – um, fiddlesticks to him. Mister Neapolitan first presents
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...dern-rock.html (Heaven forfend! Modern music! What's wrong, can you tell me, with barqoue Renaissance classical? Why, I remember dancing to ... ah, never mind). What has he got then? Blast these spectacles! Smithers! What do you mean, they're swimming goggles? Bah! That's better. Now, The Ruling Class. And yes, my kind of class. Sulk. Hmm. And Voxtrot? Surely he means Foxtrot, that annoying Genesis album with the lady fox on the cover? Bah! Enough! What else has he?
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...jawn-yall.html . Oh Heaven save us! Rednecks! What does he mean? How dare he disturb my lime ricci for – nothing! No posts save some blasted inane comments! Come back to us when you learn to write, noodlehead. Ah now this is more like it! Fear Itself! You'll find this band in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...antiquity.html, his third journal.
And that's all we have time for this wee – what? I do? But Smithers! I hate him! We did? He will? Oh, very well then! Bah!
I'm sure nobody is interested, but Smithers advises I'm contractually obliged to cover his journals so...
That rather splendid dead fellow is the subject of
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-journal.html – something to do with a knife ... I don't know ... Stanley? Butcher? Chef? - no wait a moment, that's it: Bowie. Yes. Jim Bowie. Fine singer.
Trollheart is also rabbiting on about boring progressive rock in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ive-metal.html, something about Gentle Giant and the 1970s.
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-cartoons.html continues while there's some young lady showing her ankles (careful Sir, your heart: you're on your third one!) in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-2000-ad.html – Flasher, or Brightener or something. Dazzler maybe. Who cares?
All right, what's next?
Post of the week? Journal Graveyard? Workhorse of the week? Bah! I'm not reading this drivel! This update is over!
Um, Mr. Burns? We're, ah, contractually obliged to read the rest. You signed, remember?
BAH! Do it yourself! I'm off to my club!
Heh heh. Gulp. Come on Waylon, you can do this: for Mister Burns! How hard can it be?
Alright then, as Mr. Burns has, ah, important business matters to see to, he's left me to fill in for him, and I'll be taking you to the end of this thread, er, post, er, update. Yes. Update. That's it. (Let's see:
This section is pre-recorded. Push button to play... Okay, then...)
Sometimes it's really sad when you see a journal begun with the best of intentions, and by someone who you know isn't just
(word deleted by Burns Worldwide Industries, “Keeping You Safe Since 1979” - Not Afffiliated with Burns Industries (Three Mile Island) Inc or Burns Soviet Heavy Concern, Chernobyl))ing around, but for whatever reason they just didn't stick to it. Such is or was the debut effort by Devious (whose gender I was never certain of) and it showed such promise. He or she was certainly a great writer, but sadly there wasn't the discipline required, or the interest kept, or a hundred other reasons why this journal sank very quickly.
Statistics
Journal title: I Know You Want the, D
Author: Deviouz
Born: January 20 2014
Total views: 751
Total posts: 6
Posts (by author):3
Actual posts by author (ie not just replies to comments): 2
Died: January 26 2014
Graveyard Ranking: A small stone cross marks the spot where a journal which could have been really interesting was cut down in its prime. Perhaps one day its author will return, but he or she will have to clean off all the bird
(word deleted by Burns Worldwide Industries, “Keeping You Safe Since 1979” - Not Afffiliated with Burns Industries (Three Mile Island) Inc or Burns Soviet Heavy Concern, Chernobyl)) before he or she can get it going again.
And now, perhaps overstepping my bounds slightly (is he gone? He's gone isn't he? God, tell me he's gone!) I'd like to (ahem) add my own little contribution by bringing back – without his permission, so I hope Trollheart doesn't mind – a section he used to run way back when.
with
Waylon Smithers
When Trollheart began this here section, ah reckon he (what? I'm gong with the cowboy theme the title suggests. Oh I see: you'll accept Yosemite Sam but I can't put on a cowboy voice? Ahem! Anyway...) ah, he meant Young Guns to mean new members with new journals, but since there ain't 'zactly been a whole heap o' new talent moseying over here these last few summers, ah got to thinkin' shoot! Why in tarnation not just have the – Sir!
I, ah, I thought you had left!
Oh don't mind me, Smithers! I'll (chuckle) just sit here and watch you (giggle) You just continue (guffaw!) on, my friend.
Well, if you'd rather, Sir ...
No no! I'm having a “Way-lon” of a time, I assure you!
Hmm. Well, anyway, here's my pick for the best new journal in recent times.
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-saladica.html
It's always good to hear a musician talk about not only his music, but the creative process behind (Sir, are you still laughing? Sigh...) eh, behind it, and
Mondo Bungle does this extremely well in his journal. His music may not be to everyone's taste (it certainly is not to mine) but what he does, he not only does well but writes well about. As for the older, more classic journal I'm picking this week (Yes sir, I believe it will be a regular feature, if you have no object – sigh.)
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-oblivion.html
If any man knows his comic books and puts poor Trollheart's own comic book journal in the shade, it's
The Batlord. Be prepared for much deleting of expletives. As an expert on and go-to source for comics though, this man can't be beat.
That's it then for this week. Hope you –
I'll take it from here Smithers.
I thought you were going to your club Sir?
Oh, go home to your can of cold mushroom soup! I can finish up here.
Sir, a kind word now and again ....?
Bah! Kindness is for the weak! Only the strong survive ... Smithers, could you help me up onto this podium? I'm not as strong as I used to be, and I want a closing tirade. I was promised a closing tirade! It's in the contract! demand my - Ah! There! Now, be off with you!
As for you people, let me just warn you that I had better see an increase in output here by next week, or I'm moving the whole plant to China! What? Oh yes, silly me. Forgot where I was. Well then: you'll all be fired! I'm warning you, I'm not a man to trifle with. So get it done! Or there will be...
....
consequences!
Now, get the hell out of my office!
Smithers!
(I'd do what he says, people. This man is not bluffing. I urge you...)
Are you still here?
Where are my
hounds???!!!!