Tfw you really desperately need to get back on ADHD meds but you're being needlessly stubborn due to this nonsensical voice in your head that says, "You'll feel good but it won't be real, you'll still have a broken brain and the moment you can't afford it anymore you'll lose anything you might have started" -- but it's seemingly the only thing you have tried that at least made you feel mentally present and somewhat tethered to the physical world and you fear if you don't do something now you'll just continue on forever in this state, feeling like a wisp of a thing, not feeling anything beyond a surface level (unless I seek out a certain kind of intensity and go over to the other extreme--there's little in between for me), everything just rolling off and around you until it all piles up and drowns you out of the blue later. It's been this way since I was a child and I feel it helped protect me from being utterly consumed by certain traumas, but I'm tired of it now-- it's like Anais Nin said, "The stars are pulling at my hair again" and I do not want to go. I miss my ex best friend-- she had the miraculous ability to keep me grounded + constantly make me laugh + serve as a creative catalyst of sorts (what is more wonderful than having a friend that's depressed in the exact same way and fully understands, with perfectly compatible neuroses? Its so much easier to go through depressive episodes with someone who finds joy in the same things you do; my real life friends are not on the same wavelength in that regard. I worry she was a unicorn in that way)
Anyway sorry for that completely incoherent blob of text
Last edited by Chiomara; 01-27-2018 at 07:09 AM.
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