Originally Posted by Jadix

Alright I'm not going to flame you. Just listen to what I have to say, and maybe you can improve next time so you wont have to listen to everyone telling you how much you suck. If you want to write a song that other people like, you have to spell out what you're trying to say very clearly. What you're doing wrong is writing a song for only you and your friend. All of your lines seem to be "inside jokes" between you two, and nobody else is going to get it. Also, writing about past events and just saying what happened isn't what music is about. This isn't history. Songs are about expressing emotion. There is no emotion when you say you replaced someone on your myspace dot com top 8. The myspace top 8 dont matter to me personally, I dont even know whos on my top 8. So when you replace someone on there, it doesn't really mean anything.

I liked your first verse. I really did, its good. Let me tell you why I liked it, so you can improve on your future verses.

"Some people buy wine glasses just to put them next to greeting cards
To remind ‘em of a memory
That never really was."

I took that as people like to buy a lot of "showy" things like wine glasses, and put them next to ideals like greeting cards. Greeting cards usually describe perfect romances and perfect relationships as they would be in a perfect world. Why do they do this? Because by having these perfect objects in their homes, they are comforted by the idea that they are living that ideal life. They lie to themselves about their actual lives. Thats what I thought you meant by "To remind them of a memory, that never really was".

So then I went to your next verse:

Ohh this could get messy
Harsh words exchanged
In perfume’s words, “it isn’t necessary”

And it totally changed themes. There was no connection leading from the first verse to the second. I kinda got lost here. This seems to be saying that a fight is going to break out that isn't necessary. I dont know what that has to do with your first verse.

Then your next line:
I’ve replaced my Scottish friend with my British friend that I don’t know so well in my top 8 at myspace dot com.

Ruined everything. Who's your scottish friend? who's your british friend? Who's buying the wine glasses? Who's fighting? What the heck are you talkin about?

See what I mean?