Originally Posted by Chiomara

I still honestly don't know my orientation, and I hate that I even feel bothered by not knowing. (We should all be more like Batlord in that regard) And I know that sexual orientation and gender identity are separate things, but my occasional gender dysphoria always seems to coincide with my sexual orientation crises. (Part of it is definitely just my OCD acting up, but they're still intertwined for some reason) I've always resented being female-- the social conditioning, the abuse, feeling like nothing but a sex object at the ripe old age of 12 (which causes you to start viewing yourself through an objectifying lens as well), the exhausting performative femininity, and the passive aggressive punishments one receives when attempting to take a break from such behaviors-- and upon realizing I wasn't straight many moons ago, there was a great feeling of relief, but also a sense of loss upon realizing how much time I wasted and how much I tortured myself trying to be the feminine ideal in order to avoid the aforementioned social punishment & harassment that would surely be thrust upon me by the small minded lecherous gremlins that tend to run rampant in small southern towns. Not that I consider myself a victim-- I helped build my own prison, I accepted it-- I made myself small & grew ever smaller as I ignored my needs for years in order to build up others who ultimately used me/wanted a mother or a pet as opposed to an equal partner.

I don't know what point I was getting at, but, it seems that most people who feel "gender fluid" and/or experience some degree of gender dysphoria are LGBT. But a lot of people in the community feel that the identity of "nonbinary" (or "genderqueer") is in fact even more limiting than the existing gender identities, with just as many unspoken restrictive rules and pressures. Of course these things are unavoidable-- within lesbian communities, for instance, it's sometimes looked down upon for two butches to date each other, so, there's always going to be some degree of unfair judgment even within supposedly inclusive and open minded communities.

I wish it didn't matter. I wish there there wasn't a need to signal one's gayness or lack thereof/conform to yet another set of ever-changing rules within the preexisting set of rules that comes along with each gender; I wish one's self-worth did not hinge upon how well and convincingly they performed their gender/sexual orientation before their chosen social group, but it often does, and many so-called liberal places are unbearably judgey and filled with insufferable gatekeepers. With each passing day I feel more and more like an androgynous alien, and it stresses me out to wonder where I'd even belong in any given town's lgbt spaces. I leap back and forth between asexuality, bisexuality and repressed lesbianism. (Especially since all the lsd i took recently basically rearranged my brain and obliterated various parts of my persona) Since I live in the south, I can't really dress how I want without risking harassment or worse. (once, my ex gf and I had a record number of three bottles thrown at our head over the course of just one evening)

I don't know. Much of this agony (and the compulsive need to perform and identify as something) is just an inevitable part of living in a society; if all were to vanish and there was no audience-- just you, unfettered and an endless black desert & the ghosts of your disappointed ancestors or whatever-- I'm sure we'd all feel much less vexed over the whole thing and just be aimless deviants in peace, but alas.