Originally Posted by Oriphiel

Evening fell upon the land, as the sun went down on America like the cosmic strumpet that she is. Like clockwork, the White People family was gathered for dinner. Bob, the patriarch, was carving the roasted turkey, smiling and laughing like he was in a toothpaste commercial. Mary, the matriarch, was laughing along with him, while covertly injecting a syringe of alcohol directly into her bloodstream to temporarily dull the pain of her existence. Suzy, the teenaged daughter, was reading a shitty book about vampires that fuck each other instead of killing people. And Jimmy, oh poor Jimmy, the son of the family, was trying to act normal, while the pain of his having flunked a test that day burned his spirit with the hot fury of a slice of pizza that you just had to bite before letting it cool off.

"So," spake the father, "Jimmy, how stands thine Education? Hath it much mirth and firth?"

Alas, under such steadfast enquiry, Jimmy could restrain his shame no longer, and he soon regaled the tale of his vile flunkiture. His parents gasped. His neighbors gasped. His sister burped. The earth told the sun to keep going.

"How could this be?" asked the father. "Doth no flicker of respect in thine breast yet dwell for what once was thy guiding flame? Hath thee no more love for the almighty institution of Education?"

"HA HA HA HA HA, WHAT A CARD," said the mother as she slumped over, her consciousness departing faster than a dudebro ditching a trend after realizing that it won't get him any pussy.

"You don't understand," pleaded Jimmy tearfully. "It's not my fault! I've been trying so hard! You see, in truth, I'm not to blame for my failure. My Education is."

"What means this?" asked the father. "Expound."

"Expound I shall," answered Jimmy. "You see, in spite of my best efforts, my teachers were inadequate to my needs. And so you see, as I said it to be, my Education has truly failed me!"

"How horrible!" yelled the father.

"I agree," said Frownland, stepping out of the nearby coat closet.

The father turned to face the foreign voice. "Who art thou? And how comes thee to mine abode?"

"Frownland," answered The Frownman, "and as for how I got here, well, every closet in the world is connected to my home."

"Intruder! Away with thee!" shouted the father, shepherding his children to safety. Alas, if only he knew that his efforts were in vain, for no child can ever be safe from Frownland.

Opening his terrible maw until his true face was revealed from the depths of his gullet, Frownland sang the Timeless Song of Misery, the notes of which paralyzed the White People family. Stepping forward, he extracted the memories of Jimmy to see if he had accused Education rightfully before, and found that it was so. Education had indeed failed him.

"Hmm," pondered Frownland, wisps of patchy hair floating to the ground as he stroked his beard. "Something must be done about this. Why, though many a child I have devoured, to deprive them of an Education is a torture so abominable that even I must shudder. To keep them from higher intellect is to shut them out from life itself, as if their very minds were being aborted..."

The front door became a cloud of splinters as OccultHawk dashed into the house. His swollen member was already in hand. "Did someone say 'aborted'?"

"Why, yes, my old friend," said Frownland. "I did indeed. But, alas, it was not fetuses of which I spoke, but brains."

"Sounds kinky," said OccultHawk. "I'm game."

Sighing, Frownland explained the situation in proper to OccultHawk.

"Oh," said OccultHawk. "You know, I used to be a part of the great Education. Maybe I could help you fix it up."

Frownland smiled, the sentient bacteria coating his teeth shrieking as his open mouth flooded with bright lamplight. "That would be most welcome."

They got to work. About an hour of montaging later, they had the solution.

"We call it, 'Some Children Left Behind,'" said OccultHawk, as he presented the system to The Cosmic Board of Education. His powerpoint presentation was comprised of three slides; the first was of a pair of tits, because hey, tits. The second was a picture of a jazz musician shitting into a trombone. The third was the word 'Crumpets'. Perhaps a bit abstract, but if The Board didn't understand the genius of it, that was their problem.

"Indeed," chimed in Frownland. "The concept revolves around the idea that children are horrible, stupid little creatures. While most of them can be forcefully molded into beings that don't actively try to kill themselves at every possible interval, some are just not worth the effort. It's these 'lost causes' that are ruining Education, since our current system spends so much of teachers' time and resources on catering to the helpless shitheads, instead of the ones that deserve the help."

"Exactly," said OccultHawk. "Furthermore, the way that the schooling system is funded is flawed to the very core. Schools habitually cover up problems instead of resolving them, and manufacture grades, as anything that would make them look bad would strip them of much needed money. But these problems don't just go away. They get worse, until eventually little Jimmy is bringing a rocket launcher to Home Ec to make the pain stop."

"Perhaps," spake the Head of the Board, looking at the first slide. "But what do the tits have to do with anything?"

"I like tits, you see," explained OccultHawk.

The Tummy of the Board shifted in his seat. "So, how do you propose that we fund schools?"

"Ah," said Frownland, "good question. I propose that we establish an intricate roster of bi-monthly chess matches. To the death, of course."

"Of course," agreed the Head of the Board.

Lighting his pipe, Frownland continued. "The schools that produce intelligent champions are the ones that deserve the esteem and support of The Board. All the other schools can get fucked. In this way, we will give every student a chance to succeed, while also rooting out the ones that can't help but fail. And, incidentally, the meat from the bodies from the slain students can also be recycled into cheap school lunches. Everybody wins."

The Ass of the Board sipped her glass of wine. "Well, I for one must say, you two have really outdone yourselves with this system of yours. You have my support."

"And mine," said the Tummy.

"And mine," agreed everybody else.

"And mine, as well," said Frownland's bra, his biggest supporter of all.

"Then it's settled," smiled the Head. "We'll implement this system immediately.

Putting on sunglasses, Frownland and OccultHawk gave each other a high five so powerful that it caused an earthquake in Cambodia, the aftermath of which made for some great wank material for the two of them.

And thus ends the story of how Education (and also Christmas) was saved once and for all.