Music Banter - View Single Post - A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story

Key · 11-14-2018, 08:58 PM

Update (11.14.2018)

A lot has happened. A lot. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm going through a lot of different things right now. Trying to work up the courage to ask a girl out that works two doors down from me. Trying to not feel guilty about my anxiety attacks around my best friends. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never see my older brother again and part of that does kill me though I've come to accept it. Trying to get myself out of this constant hell I find myself in. I wake up in the morning, smoke a cigarette, take a few hits of a joint, and the rest of the day becomes a blur. When I ask myself why I do this, the simple answer is that I don't like being myself. I don't like the body I'm in besides the tattoos, I don't like the soul I have. I've been back and forth between whether I find myself personally appealing and in some cases I do. I try to be funny, sarcastic, and I throw in some smartass comments in there. But under that? What is there? There is a soft person under there. Honest to god, I'm a different person when I take my shell off. And I know that. My friends have told me that. But I do it purposefully and at this point it's just habitual. I can't express myself openly to people because there's a lot to be said. I like to get to know someone before I share anything. Hell, there's only 3 other people that know one of the worst things I've ever done, and even today I'm regrettful, but it's nothing I can't learn from.

On top of all this my depression has been the worst it's ever been and it's kept me from doing a lot of things that I love doing. Playing games, hanging with friends. I'm even struggling to pull myself through the day. But I do it because I know deep down it's important for me to keep going. I still have a grasp on reality and that's something I cherish right now. With the recent night terrors and anxiety attacks, I'm in a hole. I know that. I can get myself out but I have to allow myself to be subject to it otherwise I won't get past it. I have to accept what this is and live with it and try to keep my mentality strong. I know everybody and their mother struggles with depression and I get that. These thoughts are just to put it out there publicly and let people know what I'm dealing with. It's a healing process and it does help to know that at least somebody out there is reading my thoughts. I go crazy when I can't talk to someone about something that excites me or something I'm doing that I love. Someone to give a **** about what I'm saying. But that's been an issue that I probably put on myself when I separated myself from a lot of people. I have regrets. Many of them. Many of which effected other people but I had to make that separation to work on myself. To put people through hell because of my own emotions is not fair and though they understand, it's different being the person who's dealing with it. I love my friends now though and I'd die for them. 3 people. That's it really. That's all I need right now and it's an improvement.

So yeah, things are going both good and bad and of course the bad outweighs the good more often but I'm slowly but surely realizing my continuous faults and working on myself. It's been over 10 years and I'm just now getting to a point where I feel like I mean something.

11-14-2018, 08:58 PM	#205 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Update (11.14.2018) A lot has happened. A lot. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm going through a lot of different things right now. Trying to work up the courage to ask a girl out that works two doors down from me. Trying to not feel guilty about my anxiety attacks around my best friends. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never see my older brother again and part of that does kill me though I've come to accept it. Trying to get myself out of this constant hell I find myself in. I wake up in the morning, smoke a cigarette, take a few hits of a joint, and the rest of the day becomes a blur. When I ask myself why I do this, the simple answer is that I don't like being myself. I don't like the body I'm in besides the tattoos, I don't like the soul I have. I've been back and forth between whether I find myself personally appealing and in some cases I do. I try to be funny, sarcastic, and I throw in some smartass comments in there. But under that? What is there? There is a soft person under there. Honest to god, I'm a different person when I take my shell off. And I know that. My friends have told me that. But I do it purposefully and at this point it's just habitual. I can't express myself openly to people because there's a lot to be said. I like to get to know someone before I share anything. Hell, there's only 3 other people that know one of the worst things I've ever done, and even today I'm regrettful, but it's nothing I can't learn from. On top of all this my depression has been the worst it's ever been and it's kept me from doing a lot of things that I love doing. Playing games, hanging with friends. I'm even struggling to pull myself through the day. But I do it because I know deep down it's important for me to keep going. I still have a grasp on reality and that's something I cherish right now. With the recent night terrors and anxiety attacks, I'm in a hole. I know that. I can get myself out but I have to allow myself to be subject to it otherwise I won't get past it. I have to accept what this is and live with it and try to keep my mentality strong. I know everybody and their mother struggles with depression and I get that. These thoughts are just to put it out there publicly and let people know what I'm dealing with. It's a healing process and it does help to know that at least somebody out there is reading my thoughts. I go crazy when I can't talk to someone about something that excites me or something I'm doing that I love. Someone to give a **** about what I'm saying. But that's been an issue that I probably put on myself when I separated myself from a lot of people. I have regrets. Many of them. Many of which effected other people but I had to make that separation to work on myself. To put people through hell because of my own emotions is not fair and though they understand, it's different being the person who's dealing with it. I love my friends now though and I'd die for them. 3 people. That's it really. That's all I need right now and it's an improvement. So yeah, things are going both good and bad and of course the bad outweighs the good more often but I'm slowly but surely realizing my continuous faults and working on myself. It's been over 10 years and I'm just now getting to a point where I feel like I mean something.