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Originally Posted by hobojesus
Unfortunately I won't be changing the I's and things like that, as for me that is the most personal part of the song. This may be difficult for outsiders to understand but me and my Dad were exactly the same person. I would expand on this but I could write a book about this and no one would understand it.
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Ok, I think I get it. You are just like your dad was? Is that the overall message? If you want this to be a song that you can play to people and they'll get something from it too then please, please, pick the message you want to put across and stick to it (or keep it to one message per verse at least). In the first verse you do that, in the second you try to put across a different message with each line, which doesn't work very well as a verse, even though the individual lines are good.
So I'm completely with Jibber on this one, expand each line in the second verse into its own verse. Or maybe 5&6 as one verse, 7 as another verse and 8 as a different one. You could maybe leave line 7 out of this song and make a different song about it, as that might not support the theme of you and your father being the same person so well (I know I'm not aware of the smaller details in the situation here, so I'm going to stop now cos I don't want to offend you accidentally).