Trollheart

Christmas is a time for giving, so let me give you a treat. We haven’t explored the deep, dark depths of the worst of the worst in quite a while, so I invite you to crowd nervously behind me as I gingerly light a taper and we descend the slippery, rusty iron steps down to the sewers as we go in search once again for a movie so bad it could only ever end up here. In other words, welcome to our Yuletide visit to

And what else would we look at in this festive season but a Christmas movie? But not just the one, oh no. Either you’ve been very good and Santa has answered your letters or the reverse, but either way you’re getting a three-for here. Yup: three of the very worst Christmas movies ever made by hand of man. The kind of movies that make you either laugh uncontrollably at how bad they are, scratch your head and say “huh?” or just make you wish your religion didn't require you to celebrate this “holiday season”.

Full and fair disclosure here: as I mentioned in my 25 of the Worst Christmas Movies Ever - Probably feature, I don’t tend to watch too many Christmas movies, much less those considered really bad, so I don’t know anything much about the ones I’ll be doing here. They’ll all be a first-time experience for me. I’m being guided by lists and by the likes of Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, working on the assumption that if a large proportion of people hate movie X, then it must be terrible. Of course, almost everyone seems to hate Jingle All the Way and I liked it, but I guess there are always exceptions.

Reading about the movies though, you can usually make a relatively informed decision as to whether or not it deserves to be lambasted, and the first two certainly leave no room for doubt. The third, I don’t know but we’ll see, I reckon it’s a fairly safe bet though.

Kicking off with this one, well known for being not only one of the worst, but certainly one of the trippiest, whacked-out movies of all time. I mean, spaced out gets a new meaning with this one. Originally released in Mexico and obviously in Spanish, it was re-released (god alone knows why) the following year, with what I am reliably informed is bad dubbing, and a few slight changes. But for all that, while I would like to watch the original my Spanish doesn’t come up to the level of being able to ask for a tequila while also enquiring where the bathroom is, and even if it has subtitles, well, it’s probably going to be more fun to see what a poor job the Americans did dubbing it.

Title: Santa Claus
Year: 1959/1960
Writer(s): Adolfo Torres Portillo and Rene Cardona
Director: Rene Cardona (original) Ken Smith (US version)
Genre: Science-fiction (yeah…)
Stars: A whole lot of hombres you won’t know. In this version, for some reason, none of the cast are named. At all. Other than the narrator. Who is also the director. Yeah. Ken Smith. Go figure.

Before we get going, a word on the title. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be an awful film (which we will decide for ourselves over the course of the next 94 minutes, which may seem like 94 hours), but couldn’t they have come up with a more original title? I mean, it’s so bland! Santa Claus? Really? That’s the best they could do? Couldn’t they have called it something more Mexican? L’Hombre de Cristomas or something? Would that have been racist? Can you be racist about your own people? In any event, this is what it’s called, and you only track it down on Google by inserting the year after it, otherwise you’re there all day.

Right, so: a few things to get straight from the get-go. Santa, contrary to popular belief, does not live at the North Pole. Not according to these guys anyway. Santa doesn’t even live on Earth, but in some kind of cloud in space (how does a cloud form in space? Your guess is as good as mine, and mine ain’t so good) where he lives in a Disneylike castle. Oh wait: according to the narration, he does live at the North Pole - but the North Pole is in space. Or he’s several hundred thousand miles above it, out in space. The main takeaway from this informational snippet is this: Santa lives in space.

Now, when we first see Jolly Old Saint Nick we only see his arms and chest, as he fixes up a Christmas crib, and I must admit, his deep, booming laugh sounds less jolly than maniacal - I expect when the camera pulls back to see he has a co-ed or two tied up, terror in their eyes, sweat on their … no? Oh well. It’s off-putting for sure. As is Santa’s sitting down at a Phantom of the Opera-style pipe organ and, um, using it as a computer monitor? Seems Chris Cringle doesn’t need elves in his workshop, far more progressive. Or possibly regressive, as it seems he has bunches of human children working for him. What sort of child labour laws apply in, um, Toyland, as it’s called, anyway? Right, well, either those so-called helpers from Spain are seriously anaemic or they’ve all been drained by vampires. They’re white! I mean, absolutely white! No colour at all. We don’t even get to see the kids from England, only from a distance.

I must say, the architecture of Santa’s slave palace I mean workshop looks very Arabic. Hmm. Yeah, it goes on like this for about ten minutes as Santa displays all the different nationalities of kids he has pressed into service for him. Jesus on a pogo-stick. We get the idea. Can we get on with it please, before it really is Christmas?

Finally the excruciatingly long - and somewhat racist - parade of the United Nations of Enslaved Children is over, and we’re in Hell. What? You thought we were there already? Well, kind of. If you’d had to listen to Mexican toddlers singing “La Cucaracha” or English brats singing “London Bridge is Falling Down”, you would probably have come to that conclusion. As did I. But now the scene changes and we really are in Hell, where Lucifer orders one of his demons, Pitch, to go to Earth and make all the children evil to get on Santa’s wick.

Look, there’s something disturbing about being shown the slightly upsetting scene of a small girl whose mother can’t afford a doll for her for Christmas, and hearing fucking Santa ho-ho-ho-ing all over it. A little insensitive, don’t you think, big guy? And why is he so jolly all the time, that’s what I’d like to know? He only works one day a year and what he makes can’t possibly cover his overheads. Santa has to be deep in debt, probably owes big to the Chinese Mafia, may even have some sort of addiction that has to be fed with cookies and milk every Christmas Eve, mistreats his reindeer, forcing them to fly and has an odd propensity for climbing down chimneys, an act otherwise seen by the law as breaking and entering I believe. I don’t feel Santa has too much to laugh about, but there he goes, and he won’t fucking stop. Maybe it’s a nervous thing?

Pitch is soon in among the kids anyway, sowing mischief - I assume he’s invisible, as otherwise that woman he’s pushing up against would be saying something like “Hey! Keep those fucking horns to yourself, pal!” Though probably in Spanish. Anyway, thanks to Pitch a riot soon doesn’t break out, though some kids throw stones at the window at his urging. Oh no! Kids throwing rocks! That would never normally happen! Santa sees what’s going on and focuses on the little girl who wants the doll. He watches her (in Mexico, natch) as she first steals the doll and then puts it back, annoying the demon. Santa however is delighted.

Yeah. The girl - what’s her name, Lupita? - well, her mother either has a baby under her shawl or massive and misshapen tits! Fucking weird! Also weird are the machines Santa has in his workshop: more like the deck of the TARDIS! Some crazy thing with big lips, something that resembles a dildo and moves out with an eye on it. And is that a rat moving slowly across the floor? And he has a machine for seeing into people’s dreams. That might be awkward. “His dream will appear on the dreamscope. Oh, wait, now what’s that? Oh dear! OH DEAR! Children! Avert your eyes! Quickly!” Never underestimate the dreams of a ten-year-old!

Lupita gets attacked by creepy dolls in her dream - Jesus! Reminds me of Barbarella! Actually they’re just women, don’t even look like dolls, but then, the budget for this was probably 50 pesos and all the fajitas the crew could eat, so what do you expect? Lot of smoke here, probably meant to convey dreamspace, but it looks like the place is on fire. Oddly enough, the dialogue for the Japanese kid is not translated, so he keeps speaking Japanese; probably couldn’t figure it out. Confusing though, as he has a fair few lines. Reminds me of Toshi in American Dad. Not a clue what he’s saying. Santa just ignores him, obviously as much at a loss to understand him as we are.

Overall though I have to say, it’s pretty slow and boring so far. If I wasn’t reviewing this I’d be saying oh hell no and be moving on. Let’s hope it picks up a little before too long.

Disturbing, too, that when Santa gets a letter asking for a brother, he seems to think he can arrange it. Are we to assume Santa has taken the details and is going to pay the kid’s mother a visit? Is Santa a rapist now too? He goes out onto the factory floor to gen up the troops, forcing them to redouble their efforts to make toys - does the Bureau of Child Safety know about this? Does such an organisation exist? And what the blue living fuck is Merlin doing here? Merlin, court wizard to King Arthur at Camelot, working at the North Pole. In space. For Santa Claus. Right. So Merlin (referred to by Santa as Mister Merlin) is mixing some sort of sleeping draught in an urn which he clearly says is made of uranium and plutonium, therefore highly radioactive and quite deadly. Does he use gloves, a mask, a hazmat suit? Does he take any precautions at all? Does Health and Safety know about this?

As Santa prepares to leave his sleigh is made ready - the reindeer are clearly models that show no animation whatever - and he is given a special key that will open any door, so forget about that hi-tech security system you have: if this guy wants to get in, he’s getting in. More annoying singing from the kids - one of, I would have to say, the worst parts in a pretty poor movie so far - oh I see. The sleigh is a mechanical one, and so are the reindeer. Santa winds them up and off they go. Not bad, I have to admit. Rich kid goes to sleep with a toy rifle in his hands - obviously preparing for that scary night when a homeless black guy breaks in - and the three kids who were throwing rocks earlier have, at Pitch’s urging, decided to kidnap Santa and rob all the presents. Shades, perhaps, of Nightmare Before Christmas, long before, you know, Nightmare Before Christmas.

One thing I will give this movie is its not overly sentimental attitude to religion, which is to say, whereas most Christmas movies tend to either overdue the religious motif or ignore it altogether, this one weaves it rather tastefully into the story, with Lupita’s mother talking about the nativity and Santa hoping Jesus can join him on Earth. It’s subtle, but kind of respectful; without ramming it down your throat, they gently remind you what Christmas is all about.

The kids who were going to rob Santa seem to be easily frightened out of their plan and instead fall to fighting with one another, while Pitch tries to steal Santa’s sleigh, but the reindeer will only obey Santa so no luck there. He does however succeed in ripping the bag Santa carries with the powder to send kids to sleep and he drops the flower that allows Santa to disappear - look, it was all in the sequence with Merlin; I didn’t talk about it because, frankly, this movie is giving me a headache. If you really want to know, subject yourself to the same slow torture and watch it. Just take it from me, it’s bad.

Setting a guard dog on Santa, Pitch forces him to climb a tree to safety and then wakes up the householder, who happen to be Rich Kid’s parents. He whispers that there’s an intruder in the garden, but has not counted on the fact that it would appear Rich Kid’s dad is a coward, handing the gun to his wife and recommending she go out and confront the intruder! Pitch then has others make phone calls to the police and fire department, giving them nightmares and holding the phone so they can speak. Santa has a real problem now. If he can’t get back to, um, his palace in space before sunrise his reindeer will turn to powder and he’ll be trapped on the Earth. What? Because shut up, that’s why.

So he calls for Merlin - apparently just yelling out will make you heard out in the vastness of space - who tells him to use one of the toy wind-up cats he has in his sack to distract the dog. This allows him to get out of the tree, drop off the doll for Lupita and still get back before sunrise. Meanwhile, Pitch has the fire hose turned on him.

What, are you still here? No, that's it. Finito. Over. Terminado. Arrriba! Vamoose!

QUOTES

Santa: “Look at all those letters! Wonderful! They don’t forget old Papa Noel! Saint Nicholas! Santa Claus!”
(Um, yeah. We know who you are, and even if we didn’t, a) the damn film is called Santa Claus b) you’re in a big red suit with a long white beard and c) you won’t shut the fuck up laughing. Only two people laugh that much: you and lunatics. Why do you feel the need to confirm your identity to us, as if somehow we don’t get it?)

Santa (kneeling down beside rich kid who is asleep): “I know all those toys don’t make you happy. But I’ll do something for you that I only do for very good children.”
(Uh, yeah…)

Yeah, not much in the way of quotes I’m afraid.

Notes

For most of this movie I just felt bored, frustrated and not a little depressed. Much of that, to be fair, is down to the “listen with mother” style of the narrator, who seems to think he’s describing the movie to a bunch of children. I guess he might be; but as an alleged adult I can see what’s going on, so I don’t need his annoyingly American voice telling me “Oh no this is happening!” or “Oh no! What will Santa do now?” It’s just aggravating.

The story itself is very very poor. The idea of kids taking Santa hostage never comes to anything, is basically forgotten until someone must have said you know that idea to kidnap Santa? What happened there? And then they had to crowbar in a frankly unsatisfactory scene where the kids, who had laid their trap, are frightened off by light and noise, like a bunch of raccoons scared away from the dustbins. Other than that, the central premise of the film, to have kids turn bad, just doesn’t happen. Lupita is steadfastly good, Pitch unable to sway her, and only three little brats succumb to the demon. Hardly a revolution now is it? The rest of the movie basically follows Santa as he delivers his presents and Pitch as he tries, with increasing ineptness, to thwart him.

The acting is minimal: Santa (José Elías Moreno, a well-known Mexican character actor) completely hams it up, and while Pitch, played by José Luis Aguirre, you would expect to overact, does, it’s almost more as the capering jester than the supposedly evil demon he tries to be. It’s almost a cartoon, though nowhere near as funny. It is, to be blunt, a real struggle to get through, and I was constantly watching the running time, counting down to the end, willing it closer. It’s a confused jumble of ideas, some good, some terrible, and nothing really ever meshes with anything else.

I suppose that’s a little unfair. The Rich Kid’s parents, having drank from Santa’s cock… tail of love, go back from their night out (on Christmas fucking Eve??) to their son and they all embrace, and Lupita is rewarded for not stealing, and gets her doll. But if you were to try to write out the basic plot in one sentence, it would not be easy, as there kind of isn’t one. The kids all stumble around, desperately trying to, I guess, remember lines, and that’s fair enough: these are young kids. I mean, Lupita can’t be more than six or seven, Pedro, who helps in the workshop, little older, and even the Rich Kid might be ten years old but that would be it. I feel if this had been shot in America those kids would not have been allowed take part due to their ages.

One thing I will say: there’s a heavy dose of morality in it - mostly the idea of “be good because Santa wants you to be good” rather than “be good to avoid punishment” - and most of it grates because it’s laid on so very thick and without so much as the tip of the tongue in the cheek, but the scenes with Lupita’s mother, struggling because she is poor and her husband can’t find work (well, this is Mexico after all) are actually very touching and seem almost to belong in another film. Even the music here - generally badly-rendered versions of Christmas carols everywhere else - is different, a kind of fifties Hollywood drama score, wringing every last drop of emotion and sympathy out of the viewer. You can’t say much about Lupita’s performance (yes that’s her real name too: Lupita Quezadas) as she's just a little kid and looks like she’s mouthing words without any real idea of what she’s saying, but as a figure she works well, as a moral compass for the movie, and as a symbol for sympathy.

But overall this is a movie you can definitely avoid seeing and never worry you were missing out. It’s not even in the category of being so good it transcends scorn and becomes something to celebrate. It’s just bad. Really, really bad.

But if there’s one thing I can pick out that’s worst about it, it’s not the irritatingly preachy Santa, not the stupid, almost gay Pitch, nor the various annoying children. It’s the only real change made north of the border, and it’s the incredibly badly acted narration of Ken Smith. Shame on you, sir! You succeeded in achieving almost the impossible, and made this already terrible film even worse.

Was there anything good about this movie?

Well, surprisingly, yes there was. Shining like a diamond set in shit, the gentle humility and grace of Lupita’s mother, who’s not even mentioned in the credits even as a character, takes the film, for the times she’s on screen, to a whole new level. I think someone must not have explained to her her role, or that she thought she was acting in a different film altogether, but she plays her part with heart-wrenching pathos and is, as it were, the adult in the room. If more of the movie had revolved around her, this might actually have been good.

But that’s it. Everything else about it is Grade A shite.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018