Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey Boozer
driving home
on Xmas eve
from a home
where everyone eats-up
cancer.
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I don't know if "eats-up" should be two words, but I think it should. This could go somewhere decent but I'm put off by the word "cancer," to be it sounds preachy but see what other folks think
Quote:
the lights
of the city
we are whizzing by
are so welcoming.
that is the beauty
of advertisement.
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The first 4 lines are great, simple to the point, but the last two are smashing an agenda over the head, if you're attempting to make a point, its better to use subtlety (imo). I think the better way to sell this point (or image) would be to explain what is beautiful. I get it that its lights, but maybe delve a little deeper. I'm not sure what adverts you had in mind, but draw attention to aspects, a lot of booze and cig ads use appealing images. Talk about those. Until I know what it is you're talking about I can't give better info than that.
Quote:
I wish I was drunk
on Xmas Eve, 2008
or stoned
like everyone else
at the party.
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a couple things are going on here.
1. When you use Xmas instead of Christmas, its a pretty big change in Lit. So make sure you mean what you write. Is that something you want to convey or were you just using short hand. The same with the date. 2008 specifically. Is that significant because it was 2 days ago? Will it matter in 15 years?
2. I'm still wondering why with a bunch of these things. id say over all I like the environment you've created. It gives the characters a feel that you don't give them. In fact it gives us characters that you don't give us. I can see these people though I don't have much to go on. Thats good and its a great device, but I want to know a little more about them.
Quote:
I wish I was out
in a bar
on Xmas eve
with people
in a conundrum
like my own.
who don't want to be
anywhere right
now.
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I'm always drawn to the "finney tribe" example I once heard while learning to write. In an attempt to not say "school of fish", one writter used "finney tribe" and it came acorss then like it sounds now. Its over done. Don't be afraid to speak plainly. Nothings gained from seeming mysterious when we write.
I can tell you from experience that when we try to be clever, for other readers its way too far. Often times what seems amazingly obvious to us is not obvious to other people. That being said, my suggestion would be to let go. Conundrum works with creative writing in only a few ways; mockery, clever word play, or when you're quoting another text. I'm not sure it would work when describing yourself. People tend not to write that way.
Quote:
my mother
is crying
in the front seat.
I didn't eat any of her
food.
because I am
not hungry,
but very thirsty.
I am Dry.
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Oh here we go. Characters, relationships. Direct feelings (even if its hungry). You're triping yourself up again though. Don't worry about people "getting it", jsut write. I mean if we're being honest, wtf does "I am dry" mean? I came from a place where I used to write things like that because I'd read poems and I'd seen lines like that and thought "thats how you do it."
What I came to learn was in poetry there is never an extra. In fact thats what the craft is. Use the least amount of words to conjure the more articulated image. Extra lines that mean nothing have no place in poetry.
[/QUOTE]I say "ex mass"
because i can't
say christ
without feeling
like a whore;
who can't even drink
any-more.[/QUOTE]
Alright so my point about is fleshed out here. I'm glad I'm reviewing this as I'm reading because you'll know what i thought, as presumably what others are thinking as they read along.
That being said, its x-mas, not "ex mass" and you're throwing the clever into overdrive. You went from overestimating your audiences intelligence to spoon feeding them. At least be consistent, at best don't think about readers when you write. Mel Brooks once said of comedy "never underestimate your audiences intelligence." He was refering to comedy, but that goes for all things. Artfully speaking.
Quote:
I smoke
cancer-sticks
and watch
my loved ones.
away,
from this.
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Away from this is a logic problem not poetry. All it says to me is you're not with them.
There is with them, and there is not with them.
There is A and there is not A. Not A shall be refered to as B. B shall be known as away.
Math is fun, but this is poetry. And if you take anything from what I've said here, please let it be this.
When you say things like "away from this," you aren't giving us the weight of the issue, and I'm suspecting thats because you don't know what it is.
Its not enough to be sad or depressed. We need to know why, because otherwise you're just like everyone else. The uniqueness of the experience is what draws people in. We're all sad at times and that connects with people, but you want to hold interest after that connection.
A playwriter once told me, "no one cares about the guy who stays home on friday night and watches bad television while eating a pizza. People are interested in the guy who stays home every friday night to eat Artichoke Pizza with 5 friends while watching The Karate Kid 3"
That might say better than what I've been trying to for 9 paragraphs now.