Music Banter - View Single Post - darkcornerinthecloset's Songwriting Journal

7gaugejames · 03-08-2009, 09:31 AM

Greetings from San Diego California, Hello to the dark corner of the closet.
In my happy, happy, joy, joy, life I sometimes miss frustration poetry, and this poem is frustrated. If I may, I'm no expert, but if constructiveness is the key to structure, we can do a few things.

Ask yourself what is my theme, not the general emotion you're coming from.
I believe the theme to be along the lines of... "I am the main character of this poem, I pour out my pain at being miscast in the theater of life(all lifes a stage) The audience is at once present yet non responsive, this is frustrating as I just want to show myself." Is this the case?

Questions, 1) is it right to say you hide in the first line yet the body of the work is about revelation of inner self?
2) Is it clear who screaming these lies... is it the actors on stage drowning you out or is the audience screaming lies, lies and not paying attn. because theyve been jaded by hearing the lies over and over?
3) Now if you want to seperate your self from those around you on stage, how would you do it, by standing center? or by moving toward the edge of the stage and shouting (the truth?) at the nearest patron?

suggestions, 1) try adding more effort in the form of actions you take throughout the work highlighting your frustration at the ineffectiveness of the effort.
2) Keep the cursing out. It's not poetic it's reactionary in nature.
3) Your final line in the poem should not leave the reader asking or answering a question, they should be left with no doubt about what is best.
4) keep writing

03-08-2009, 09:31 AM	#110 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Lies; as follows, Greetings from San Diego California, Hello to the dark corner of the closet. In my happy, happy, joy, joy, life I sometimes miss frustration poetry, and this poem is frustrated. If I may, I'm no expert, but if constructiveness is the key to structure, we can do a few things. Ask yourself what is my theme, not the general emotion you're coming from. I believe the theme to be along the lines of... "I am the main character of this poem, I pour out my pain at being miscast in the theater of life(all lifes a stage) The audience is at once present yet non responsive, this is frustrating as I just want to show myself." Is this the case? Questions, 1) is it right to say you hide in the first line yet the body of the work is about revelation of inner self? 2) Is it clear who screaming these lies... is it the actors on stage drowning you out or is the audience screaming lies, lies and not paying attn. because theyve been jaded by hearing the lies over and over? 3) Now if you want to seperate your self from those around you on stage, how would you do it, by standing center? or by moving toward the edge of the stage and shouting (the truth?) at the nearest patron? suggestions, 1) try adding more effort in the form of actions you take throughout the work highlighting your frustration at the ineffectiveness of the effort. 2) Keep the cursing out. It's not poetic it's reactionary in nature. 3) Your final line in the poem should not leave the reader asking or answering a question, they should be left with no doubt about what is best. 4) keep writing __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.