Schiz,
Here is my revision based on personal preference. And like the little bottles of herbal remedies proclaim; the following statements have not been evaluated and should not be used to diagnose or cure any defects.
So to speak.
I changed the title a little, a lot of the word useage, and the outcome of the story.
Let me know what you think.
BETRAYAL OF A TERMINAL MONOMANIA
A pleasant coma
He'd die to obtain
In pursuit of a cause
And astray of a reason
His painful escape,
That beautiful hold
Would find herself in atrophy again
A desire and decay
Surrender him, it should
And aggregate to expedite his end
If not for that descent
His contradicting indecision
Inescapability that's real
Expending resolution
Would he remain the tortured lonely
Just for the ability to feel.
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