I like your delivery. But if I were to re-write it, I'd do it like this:
Not for that city of the level sun
Its golden streets who's gates ablaze
Who's sleepless city's shadeless days
That mirror nights, becoming one.
The weary, when it's said and done
Would strain their eyes beyond this dusk
And test the bounds of eternity
To strain beyond that dusk they see
No, I know we shun that splendor
Everlasting shine, too long
Searching for a silence, we are
Deaf to such a song
Somewhere dark into, we settle
A space in which to sleep
When all is said and done, that city
Remains a shadeless deep.
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