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Old 04-25-2009, 08:08 PM   #55 (permalink)
TumorAttitude
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubber View Post
open up and receive
the crackling of cardboard vessels
pulmonary and pure.
wiffle ball functioneer
of oxygen withdrawal.

I would change "wiffle ball"

doppelgängered from Han Solo mold
and so is sewn, the smiles of the bold

I'm sorry, I hate this part. It would be so much better without.

a ragtag firefly militia
to be massacred in the backyard
by jar armed juveniles.
exotic golden glow
extinguished
by the instruments of innocence.
I would change "backyard" and maybe you would have more progress if you came up with a metaphor you really liked and stuck to it throughout a song.
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