04-25-2009, 08:08 PM
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#55 (permalink)
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Account Disabled
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 749
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubber
open up and receive
the crackling of cardboard vessels
pulmonary and pure.
wiffle ball functioneer
of oxygen withdrawal.
I would change "wiffle ball"
doppelgängered from Han Solo mold
and so is sewn, the smiles of the bold
I'm sorry, I hate this part. It would be so much better without.
a ragtag firefly militia
to be massacred in the backyard
by jar armed juveniles.
exotic golden glow
extinguished
by the instruments of innocence.
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I would change "backyard" and maybe you would have more progress if you came up with a metaphor you really liked and stuck to it throughout a song.
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