Hi, Nicktarist,
I've been reading through your lyrics/poems and would like to share a few suggestions for "Madman's War," although perhaps you've already worked out solutions to the occasional inconsistent stresses.
First, though, I want to say that I understand the challenge you undertake when you have a rhyme scheme into which you are fitting the concept of a piece, since this added constraint makes it much harder to write a poem (I feel)! Since I enjoy rhyming, it is especially fun for me to read the work of other people who like rhyming, too.
I will print my suggestions in bold and in parentheses beneath your actual lines.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist
Here's another in a more standard form --Limerick, I bring you:
note: I changed the poem up due to the fact that I got actual critiques about the inconsistant rythm. More changes are obviously necessary because some lines simply don't flow, even with an even syllable count. The stresses aren't consistant enough, in other words.
Madman's War (working title)
long hours a day, we’d work in the bay (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap (6)
waking the hours that dragged on the floor (10)
a soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
bantering about a man and his war (10)
(and bantered about a man and his war.)
wringing his hands (4)
(He wrung his hands)
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
he then went insane and sank to the floor (10)
(then, going insane, he sank to the shore)
He woke the next day, he woke with a fright (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning (10)
they will find you (4)
(you will be found)
(know this) single taboo (6)
(and you'll die on this ground)
stirring the dust; the wake of his warring (10)
To our dismay, his augury was right
(To our vast dismay, his prescience was right)
when we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
I already knew to leave before (10)
(for I already knew to leave before)
I didn’t hear much about that dark day (10)
(I never heard much about that dark day)
I decided to come back years later (10)
great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
to show that leaving proved me a traitor (10)
(showed me leaving had proved me a traitor)
If only my family could see me now (10)
I had grown up allot in fourteen years (10)
(I have grown up a lot in fourteen years)
I have regrets (4)
(for my) lamenting debts (6)
(still lamenting my debts)
to the ones who died because of my fears (10)
peace,
-nick
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So, here would be my revised version:
Long hours a day, we’d work in the bay, (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more, (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap, (6)
waking the hours that dragged on the floor. (10)
A soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
and bantered about a man and his war.
He wrung his hands
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
then, going insane, he sank to the shore.
He woke the next day, he woke with a fright, (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning: (10)
you will be found
and you'll die on this ground,
stirring the dust, the wake of his warring. (10)
To our vast dismay his prescience was right.
When we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
for I already knew to leave before.
I never heard much about that dark day.
I decided to come back years later. (10)
Great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
showed me leaving had proved me a traitor.
If only my family could see me now. (10)
I have grown up a lot in fourteen years.
I have regrets, (4)
still lamenting my debts
to the ones who died because of my fears. (10)
Two questions I have are about word meanings. What do you mean precisely when you say the war is "indicative?" When you write, "I always regress," do you mean "I always retreat?" It wasn't clear to me what was meant exactly by those two parts of the poem.
I hope this helps!
--Erica