Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover
I definetely need help with my chorus in the last song The Dance. It was kind of forced and I'm not used to writing choruses at all! Just some general tips or specific line changes, even a theme change suggestion would be appreciated.
{Chorus}
Twirl, leap -- a Grand Jete
March in time
We're all the same, everyday
So don't step out of the line
Where is it leading?
What goal are we seeing?
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Hi, VeggieLover,
I'd first like to make sure I understand the meaning behind your song. I see it as describing the pattern living beings follow: pairing off in romantic couples, but also combined in there is the idea of predator-prey relationships, such as when you start by mentioning cats and rats.
I see your stanzas have the rhyme scheme "aabaa" and your Chorus doesn't. Would you like it to follow the same rhyme scheme or break out of that pattern? I'm assuming you are happy with it having a different rhyme scheme.
If I were writing the Chorus, I would probably shift the lines around a little and change the wording a bit so that it keeps the same meter throughout and pairs up rhyming lines more like you do in your verses:
Erica's version:
Twirl, leap--a Grand Jete
march in time
don't step out of line
we're all the same
day after day
but where is it leading?
What are we seeking?
I also thought "seeking" might work better than "seeing" because it sounds a little more to me like "leading" plus still carries the meaning of seeing a goal.
I hope this helps!
--Erica