Quote:
Originally Posted by asshat
I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.
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Red Meat
No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD
And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
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Hey asshat,
I'll review this song since of course it deals with a topic I feel is especially interesting.
First, subject matter: you deal with the issue of free choice and governmental power over society very concisely in your song. As you probably know, China uses economic sanctions currently to try to get urban dwellers to limit the number of children they have to 1 per couple. As a graduate student from China told me, no other country in the world was offering to take care of all their millions of people, so they had to come up with their own solution. You might be interested to know that increasing people's economic stability (such as with social security and retirement income) and health care is one of the best, most effective ways to get people to reduce their number of children without violating what many people view as a human right (the right to have as many children as they want, whether or not they can afford them). So, this population solution that emphasizes using people's own wisdom and freedom of choice is similar to what your song advocates as you show how awful it is when people are not allowed to make choices.
Second, the song structure and rhyming. You used a lot of rhyming and assonance (rhyming of vowel sounds) in the song. I highlighted some of these in bold and with underlines. I feel the rhyming helps hold the song together.
There are two changes I'd recommend and I hope you don't mind my mentioning them. One is to reverse the order of two of your lines to give the following:
But thats all that we eat
In the 23rd century AD
Cause there's no more red meat.
I feel this order makes the rhyming stand out with more strength.
I would also recommend changing "But's thats all that we eat" to "But that's
all we get to eat" because to my ear this makes the rhythm of the song flow more smoothly (at least when I say it in my mind in a rap rhythm).
The final portion of the song...
Quote:
And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
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isn't a sentence (there is no verb) and I'm wondering if you wanted it to be one? For example, do you want to say: "And the chips are in the brains" etc.?
--Erica