Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover
The only thing that i noticed was the "you shouldn't" bits in the bridge and some of the verses (it works fine in the chorus). I almost exclusivly avoid "you" in all of my writing, simply because I find that the instant I use it, the audience loses touch. I, for example, don't kill pets by throwing them into dumpsters. I'm not sure if its such a big deal in this song since its directed at a certian organization, its just the only bit i could find something to critisize. I also wouldn't know how you'd go about changing it should u decide to, it was just a thought.
|
Thanks VeggieLover. Yes, I'd read what you wrote about you's in someone else's thread and agree that they can jolt a listener out of being absorbed in a song. I'll think about variations to avoid the you's.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist
It's an interesting song--much wider scope than your previous work. I honestly would've approached it completely differently, but that's beside the point. My issue is with length. You may be saying a bit more than you need to here. You want to get to the point without losing the listener to a bunch of disclaimers. So, just play around with that idea and take out lines or stanzas that seem to overstate themselves *if* you take my advice.
|
Hey, Nick, thanks for the advice...I agree it is too long! I will try to figure out the parts I feel are most redundant so I can make the song more concise. I will hope to end up with two versions...one the original, and one shorter...so then I can still feel my original intent is given life, but also make a version that doesn't drag on and on. I am curious now how you might have approached the topic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenkin
Take from your lovely mouth that cigarette.
Put down your glass. I don’t want to lose you yet.
For some reason those lines connected with me the most. Its a great song keep up the good work!
|
Thank you, Ravenkin, for reading! I like those lines, too...written for a particular person. I'm glad you liked the song, and thank you for the encouragement.
--Erica