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Old 08-20-2009, 11:23 AM   #16 (permalink)
VEGANGELICA
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
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Originally Posted by VeggieLover View Post
A lot of the conservative fundamentalists that I've observed seem to live life the way they were taught to live it...ie. the steps of the dance. As far as mixing metaphors, well that is definetelly one of my shortcomings as a writer. I tend to go on little tangents (both in prose and poetry writing) and end up on a different thought altogether than when I started. I think "hearts of tin" works because it emphasizes the mechanical aspect of the dance...but the lining and sheet probably dont. perhaps if i used curtains or costumes instead? or even a wall of people? This world of the dance creates a kind of bubble around the dancers, so i want the image of breaking through it without confusing listeners by changing ideas.

As for Grand Jete...I used it as a forced rhyme originally so thats why I edited it out. Does anyone else see it as a memorable part of the chorus that catches the listeners ear?
Hey, VeggieLover,
I like your explanation about sin and how it relates to your song. I like your wall of people idea because when dancing, people do become an obstacle physically that can keep you following the dance steps. Since I love dancing and social dancing (English/Scottish/folk) it is hard for me to view dancing as constrictive because there is so much choice involved in learning the steps. I feel most free when dancing (even when doing a choreographed piece). However, I do definitely see the dance people go through in society.

Since no one else has commented on Grand Jete yet, I will say that the word is memorable to me but the actual meaning (a leap through the air with legs split, usually done by advanced dancers *well* and by the rest of us for fun as we imagine ourselves to be advanced dancers) probably doesn't happen often in a regular dance of society, so its absence from your song might be appropriate. Still, it does stick in my memory. Many people may not know what it is, though!
--Veg
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Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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