Hi Lamar Cole,
Looking at your separate threads, I see that your songs/poems all deal with love and in a positive way, which is sweet to see. This poem, a "Sweetheart," portrays a sweetheart as someone who is appreciated because she makes the beloved feel loved and happy. This makes me wonder, though: is the person (who is the voice in the poem) in love with the *feeling* of being loved, or actually in love with the *sweetheart*? My impression is that often when people first feel love, they are more in love with *being* in love than with the actual person, the very real person, who is not just there to always be giving to you.
You use the metaphor of sorrow taking flight and the simile of her love being like fireflies lighting up the night, which always does seem magical when one sees it. The metaphor and simile you use remind me of the line from that famous song, "You light up my life" and seem a little cliche. Of course, many people like that song! I suppose I see love less as a sweet confection and more like a salad with some bitter herbs and some garden soil grit still on the leaves, so a super-positive love song sounds fanciful to me.
You appear to be placing periods at the end of lines even when they are unnecessary. The first two lines, for example, are actually one sentence and do not need (should not have) a period between them, if one follows traditional grammatical rules.
I recommend you read what is posted at the top of the songwriting section--
Sticky: *Important* Songwriting Thread Re-Launch *Please Read Before Posting*
because it asks people to post their works in *one* thread. There are several reasons for you to do this:
(1) Posting in one thread makes it easier to follow your works sequentially and see changes over time.
(2) It reduces the total number of threads in the songwriting section.
(3) If you have all your posts in one thread, then the total number of people viewing that thread will increase, which will likely increase the total number who decide to look at the thread since people, out of curiosity, tend to visit threads that have large numbers of viewers.
You can contact a moderator to merge your threads since the moderators don't appear to be doing this themselves.
--Erica
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
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